Nikeboy Takes Tour of California!

Nikeboy Finishes West Coast Tour!

San Francisco, CA. – We are pleased to report that Nikeboy has returned from his “Tour of Northern California! He and the lovely Mrs. Nikeboy, took the Trek Tour of wine country and as the attached photo shows, even Trek has a bike that fits the big guy.

Sporting his Kellogg Corn Pops Jersey, it was reported that Nikeboy took all sprint points and climbs and is ready to return to the Minion Nation.

Welcome Back Nikeboy!

Leaderless Minions Survive Crazy Ride!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009


Crash in the Peloton!

Boffo’s Streak Ends!

And the Winner is……….


Belo News
Galesburg, MI
June 13, 2009

Minions awoke Saturday morning wondering if the Tour de Gull would go on as scheduled. The announced absence of the fearless leader, Sharkman, combined with steady overnight and early morning rain caused many minions to shut off their alarm clocks and go back to sleep. Sooner, on the other hand, was checking out the weather radar on-line, hoping the massive green blob over SW Michigan would move faster to the east. Finally, he gave up on the radar and looked out the window. Sooner saw a dry patch on the road (even though it happened to be under a tree), which was all the encouragement he needed to wheel down his driveway and eastward toward Galesburg.

The ride in from Portage was amazingly dry from above, but amazingly wet from all other directions as the cars and trucks overtaking Sooner seemed to take delight in trying to dry the road by placing all the water on Sooner and his bike. Sooner eventually arrived in Galesburg at 5 minutes till eight, finding only Birdman and his son (nicknamed Tweety Bird, until a proper poll can be taken). Soon after however, Hossman, Bullet Bob and the Un-named rider appeared. As the start time approached and passed, Un-named informed the peloton that Falcon and Stallion were also on the way. Eventually, the minions became restless and had Un-named call Falcon who indicated he would meet the peloton at the Klutch. So, almost 10 minutes late, the undisciplined minions were finally off.

Just before downtown Galesburg, Falcon and Stallion appeared and the peloton of eight passed the Koffee Klutch acknowledging enthusiastic support from Luann. The minions quickly left town and were about two miles down the road when Sooner noticed there were only seven riders present. He thought that maybe he double counted someone but soon realized Birdman was missing! Sooner, Bullet Bob and Falcon reversed course to look for Birdman, as the remainder of the peloton eventually followed. Birdman was found across the street from the Klutch, finishing up a flat change. A quick shot of CO2 and the minions were on the way once again. It was unclear why Birdman was not more vocal about the flat when it occurred, or why Tweedy Bird had not missed his dad.

Finally, the minions left Galesburg behind. Three riders, believed to be Falcon, Tweedy Bird and Hossman, accelerated to lead out Sharkman for the first sprint. As always, Sharkman took it (he doesn’t have to be present you know!). The next stop ahead sign (before the twin lakes), was taken by Falcon who held off Sooner by half a wheel. While doing so, Falcon managed to make his bike almost as wide as the road, causing Sooner to wonder if Falcon landed planes the same way.

The minions continued their relentless march over the constantly wet roads feeling fortunate that the rain had thus far missed them. However, not too long after crossing M-89, disaster stuck. Although the actual details are somewhat sketchy, as the peloton slowed, the rear got caught up in the dreaded slinky effect. Stallion and Tweedy Bird went down, suffering some nasty looking road rash. Bullet Bob and Birdman also suffered contact but remained upright. Stallion’s front wheel suffered a broken front spoke ending his day along with Falcon, who rode home to get the rescue vehicle, and Un-named who stayed behind as the accident scene manager. After retrieving Bullet Bob’s severed tail light, which traveled an amazing distance down the road before ditching, the remaining minions took off once again.

It was now apparent that Hossman was getting stressed about the lost time. Fearing he would be late for his child’s soccer tourney, he was putting the hammer down. His quick pace began fracturing the peloton leading to a breakaway at the country club. Bullet Bob dropped back from the breakaway to make sure the following riders were safe and still in contact. Only Sooner remained on Hossman’s wheel as he pushed the pace. Sooner, almost apologetically took the sprint right before M-43, feeling guilty that Hossman was doing 80%+ of the pulling.

The trend continued as Hossman led the way, Sooner played wheel sucker and Bullet Bob worked to keep all the riders in contact. After a particularly fast run up to the C Ave sprint, Hossman and Sooner had a brief discussion. It seemed that Hossman feared the wrath of his wife more than the pain in his legs. Sooner suggested that Hossman proceed alone, and Sooner would wait and regroup everyone. Hossman didn’t protest and took off like a shot. It is not known if Hossman took any of the remaining short-cuts to the finish. Regardless, he deserves mention as the day’s most aggressive rider.

The remainder of the ride was a little more minion like as the peloton stayed together. As the finish line approached, there was almost a resemblance to a rotating pace line for a tenth of a mile or so. Finally at the little hill, Bullet Bob made his patented early attack, dropping everyone except Tweety Bird. Sooner finally got up to speed and desperately pursued, wishing he was not isolated and having to work alone.

Fully expecting the young, athletic Tweety to draft Bullet Bob down the stretch, and then pull ahead for a debut victory, Sooner was simply trying to hold on for the last podium spot. Suddenly however, Tweety was dropped by Bullet Bob, giving Sooner some hope, (although slight) of victory. Sooner dug deep with his protesting legs passing Tweety and setting sights on Bullet Bob. Sooner zipped around Bullet Bob right at the finish line, resulting in a too close to call photo finish. The finish line photos are still being examined and as off this date, no final victory determination has been made. The remaining minions made it back the Galesburg almost two full hours after the “first” start, easily breaking the record for the longest TdG ever! Average speed including stops was approximately 5.7 mph.

Back at the Koffee Klutch, LuAnn was wondering about the growing aviary branch of minions (Falcon, Birdman, Tweety). It seems she is considering installation of a bird feeder. Meanwhile, minions told tales of crash experiences. Bullet Bob reflected on how in one brief moment, he discovered why cyclists wear helmets, long shorts and gloves, and why they shave their legs.

Sooner rode back to Portage via the infamous Q-Man Hill (yes that Q-Man). After covering 59 total miles, Sooner took one look at his 24% grade driveway and rode right past, having to circle and get psyched up before attacking it. (Yes it really is 24%; last winter in snow, a friend’s parked and unoccupied Ford Expedition made an “unscheduled” descent). Sooner knows from past experience that unclipping part-way up in road shoes is not a good idea.

Overall, it was a great ride (although the crash victims may not agree). So, sleepy and fair weather minions, you don’t want to miss the next edition of the infamous TgG.


Name Tweedy Contest

New rider Tweedy (also known as Birdman’s son) needs a legitimate nickname. Tweedy Bird was suggested (actually demanded) by Falcon. However, Falcon has no authority in these matters. It was considered by others that bestowing the name of Tweedy Bird might be considered cruel and unusual punishment (Be quiet Boffo!...SHUT UP BOFFO!). Nominations will be accepted by Sharkman, subject to the usual $50 entry fee ($100 if you wish to be seriously considered). The winning nomination will be treated to a complementary bottomless cup by the infamous Sharkman (assuming the entry fee check doesn’t bounce).


By guest columnist,
Sooner

BOFFO DOES IT AGAIN!

Sooner KO’d by Errant Wasp!

Who Knew it Was Beer Jersey Day?

Belo News
Galesburg, Mi.
June 6, 2009

Galesburg, Mi. – It was another fantastic Saturday that drew 20 Minions to the start line. Sharkman had ridden over from the Shark Cove with Nikeboy and when they arrived, Stroker, who lives next door to the Shark Cove, and his daughter KP, pulled in by car. Welcome KP!

Filling out the 20 rider field were Sooner, Bullet Bob, the Skipper, Boatman, Danimal, Falcon, the Un-Named Rider, All Black, Hoosier Boy and Birdman (both on their second ride with the Minions), Kid Doster (returning after being AWOL for a few weeks) Zickman, and of course, Boffo.

Two new riders joined the group, one of whom was Jim, now known as Stryker Guy, and Jeremy, now known as Spartan. Welcome to the Minion Nation! Gazelle Girl joined the Minions on 36th street heading north of town as the Skipper lead the group.

The Update went out late last week, and “Beer Jersey Day” had been designated. However, it was quite obvious that the vast majority of Minions had not read the Update and were clearly out of uniform. None the less, Oberon Jersey’s clearly won the day with a total of 4!

The Minions seemed down right social as they worked their way to the Cul de Twin lakes, were they then blew apart as the assent began, but it was again the Country Club section that got the riders moving quickly.

A small group made up of All Black, Sharkman, Danimal, Sooner and Gazelle Girl made a breakaway right after the Kellogg Kurve when an unfortunate mix up with a wasp took place. In an Update exclusive interview with the victim of this unfortunate incident, we’ve asked Sooner to give us his account in his own words:

“I was pumped to be a part of the breakaway leading up to M-43. The hammer was down, which is fun (if it's not for too long). I wasn't aware that Sharkman was attempting to give Gazelle Girl a lead out to the stop sign until I was already committed to the sprint. After that sprint, I was done for the day. I thought I would be carrying my bike up the Cul-de-M43.”

That’s when it happened! Sooner went on, “The darn thing got me four times, the worst of which was just below my right eye (lower lid). I couldn't get it out from under my glasses until I finally pulled my glasses off with both hands, something I didn't want to do while riding in close proximity to other riders on all sides. Anyway, the stings didn't have much visual impact until Monday. The last few days I have had the look of going a few rounds with Mike Tyson, except that my ears are still intact.”

Of course, being the fair and balanced in our reporting, we’ve also allowed a few comments from the Wasp:

“So I was minding my own business on a nice, sunny Saturday, when this big thing wearing a bike helmet and glasses comes at me. I had no choice but to hold my ground and sting the hell out of his bike face. Who does he think he is anyway? He had me trapped under those glasses and wouldn’t let me out. So I stung the hell of him! That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!”

Where else can you get this type of in-depth journalism, eh?

But we digress…….

The Minions broke up a bit at the G Ave. crossing as Sharkman waited for a straggling Minion. When he crossed over G, the Minions were all over the road. Being the fearless leader that the Sharkman is, he went to the lead and tried to get the Minions back into form. As they approached the hill before the finish, there were concerns of a bunch sprint and the inherent dangers involved.

As the Minions crested the hill, Bullet Bob made his patented move and lead the minions out. His lightening quickness almost caught the peleton by surprise and for a brief moment it looked like he might maintain the break. As he ramped up the speed, Zickman, Falcon and Boffo, along with other Minions, quickly reeled him in and latched on to his wheel.

Though the lightening move by Bullet Bob had its intended effect of splitting up the group finish, the riders were still close together at the last as Boffo again took the tape with Falcon and Zickman capturing the final two spots on the podium.

The crowd threw kisses to the paparazzi and tafosi along the Champs le Galesburg as our hero’s approached the Klutch and dismounted. Luann was there to great the riders as they came in to order the Bottomless Kups of Klutch Koffee.

Boffo again slept through the press conference while Sharkman fielded questions concerning start times.

But not to worry! The start time will stay the same for the time being!

Unfortunately, the Sharkman cannot ride this Saturday and will be in Wisconsin to visit his daughter and her in-laws. However, he is hoping to be there the following Saturday and hope to have both his Grandshark Kids make an appearance at the klutch! Yes, in two week it will be “Meet the Shark Kids at the Klutch Day!” You won’t want to miss that event, plus it will be Galesburg Days! More on this in next weeks Update.

Launch time Saturday is 8:00 A.M. – Sharp!

Be there!

Style Guy

Dear Style Guy,

How can I ever trust Mavic again? When my R-Sys front wheel was recalled, Mavic promised that the replacement would be the same weight as the original. I weighed the recalled wheel, before sending it back, at 585 grams. When I received the replacement, lo and behold, it weighed in at 586 grams, a weight increase of 0.17%! Not only that, but the front wheel carbon fiber rods no longer match the rear wheel rods. WHY? Because the carbon fiber layers are wrapped in a different direction. Can I suffer the disgrace of mismatched wheels without being an embarrassment to the minions? What should I do?

Signed,

Stylish Weight Weenie

Dear Stylish Weight Weenie,

Talk about “Style!” Just asking a question like this indicates that you are a wheel savant! You have reached the epitome of bike geekdom. But it is true, you can never trust Mavic again and you cannot, under any circumstances, ride with those unmatched wheels. I would suggest that you order new wheels from Zipp, or Bontrager or Fischer Price for that matter, and immediately, and I mean immediately, give those wheels to Sharkman.

Thanks for writing!

Style Guy

Boffo Takes Three in a Row with No *!

Bissell Boy Buys for the House!

Winner of “Name Tardette” Announced!

Belo News
Galesburg, Mi.
May 30, 2009

Galesburg, Mi. – By now everyone is aware that Boffo, that irascible Clown, pulled off the hat trick by taking the May 30th final sprint! As you can see in the photo, he celebrated his victory by napping on the couch at the Klutch at the post race press conference. Though the Minions have had one other triple winner, he was asterisked for an illegal breakaway on one of those victories and he knows who he is!

Sharkman, just returning from his tour of Great Britain, surprised everyone, including himself, by making the start. It seemed Lava Girl just assumed he would ride and when he realized that, he simply headed out the door! Thank you Lava Girl! (More on Sharkman’s Tour later).

Sixteen riders showed up for this edition on yet another cool, but sunny Saturday morning. Sporting her new Kuota, Cloud Girl cut a fine figure on the Minion Credo that if you can’t be good look good. She also had Airman in tow, just back from his crash a couple of weeks ago and sporting those new wheels he had been lusting about during his convalescences. Adding to the group were Rainman and Tardette. The Update is please to report that Tardette has been officially named….Tardette! Yes, Sharkman wins the “Name Tardette” contest and collects the free kup of koffee from himself. Sharkman won because he was the only Minion to submit the $50 entry fee AND the name finally grew on Tardette and to be frank, that is what everyone calls her anyway. So Tardette it is!

Rounding out the group for the morning was Brewman, the Un-Named Rider, Danimal (aka Dancing Dan), Stingray, All Black, Boffo, Bullet Bob, Stroker and a new rider, Eric.

Not having a nickname, Eric was scrutinized closely and when it was noted he had a particularly “pigeon toed” form of pedaling, the name Pigeon Toe or Pigeon Man was immediately thrown out. However, even Sharkman isn’t that cruel, so the name “Birdman” was bestowed upon the new rider and he will here in be referred to as the Birdman. Welcome to the Minion Nation, Birdman!

As the Minions moved north of town, Gazelle Girl surprised everyone by making the early start time and joined in on the fun. As the group approached the C Ave. Sprint, they were joined by Nikeboy, who had thought Sharkman was not riding today. Seeing Sharkman leaving the Shark Cove, Nikeboy quickly suited up and rode the course in reverse to latch on to the group. So they were 16 Minions as the group headed to the finish.

After the G Ave. crossing, the pace line picked up again and was closely bunched together as the mighty Minion nation bore down on the final sprint to the finish. Sharkman, feeling he should sacrifice himself to spread out the peleton, jumped out to the lead and held it for at least 3 to 4 feet before the onslaught of Minions went by him.

A diabolical laugh was then heard from the rear of the peleton as the cunning Boffo ramped up speed to make his patented “fly by” move. Timing his jump perfectly, he shot for the finish with several Minions it tow. But alas, he was again able to hold off Bullet Bob and Stroker, who were right on his butt like a bunch of clowns hanging on to the little red clown fire engine!

As the riders made their way down the Champs le Galesburg, Boffo waved to his adoring fans and made a few balloon animals for the kids in the crowd.

The Minions were greeted at the Klutch by Luann AND Bissell Boy with his son Jack. Not only that, but they bought the house around of Bottomless Kups! What a guy! It is amazing what lengths these Minions go to so that they can get their names in the Update! Keep that Koffee Koming!

Fortunately, Nikeboy was present to pull our intrepid hero, the Sharkman, back to the Shark Cove after he gorged himself on the free Koffee.

The cold mornings continue, so this week’s ride will still launch at 8:00 A.M. – SHARP!

We will also make this week Beer Jersey Week! Let’s see if you’re reading the Update! Wear you favorite Beer Jersey!

Be there!

Style Guy

Dear Style Guy,

I am curious about something. It seems that the only true style in the peleton these days is coming from the Lady Minions. I mean, Cloud Girl has a cool new bike, Gazelle Girl is posted on the photo section of the blog in her cool retro gear and old Schwinn bike, and even Tardette has a cool name. But the rest of the Minions, well, I gotta be honest, they aren’t always cool. What can we do to be cool like the lady Minions.

Signed – Dejected Minion

Dear DM,

Forget about it. The only Minion beyond the Lady Minions with any semblance of style is the Sharkman hizzelf. Come on, this bunch of rag tag riders has trouble pedaling and drinking from a water bottle at the same time. If it weren’t for the lady Minions and Sharkman, well there wouldn’t be any style in the peleton. Just keep trying to do your best and remember, if you can’t be good, look good!

Style Guy

Sharkman Tour of Great Britian!

A Belonews Exclusive!

Manchester England – Sharkman, being the international rider that he is, likes to ride with his fans around the world whenever he gets the chance. This past week, our intrepid hero ventured to Manchester England where he had the opportunity to ride with the President of the U.K. Minion Chapter, Greg Peterson, aka The Sailman. The Sailman rode with the Sharkman for 8 or 9 years before taking international assignments and leaving Battle Creek. The Shark has had the privilege of riding with him in some of his far flung locations around the world. Sailman got his name because riding behind him is like having a huge sail to pull you along the road. Sailman standing at 6’6” and as you can see from the photo, is almost as tall as the Sharkman hizzelf! Unfortunately, the Sharkman never was able to give the Sailman the same kind of draft.

The two riders were blessed with one of the sunniest days Manchester has seen in some time and it allowed the riders to get in 30 miles. Thanks to the Sailman for taking care of the Sharkman and providing him a bike to ride. Great time!

Boffo's bro' may rejoin Minions during rehab!

Breaking news update. Occasional celebrity rider Duane Below (remember the puking incident?) was recently promoted to the Erie Seawolves, the Detroit Tigers AA affiliate. In his second start he had a two hitter going into the seventh inning against the top team in the league. But like Boffo's tires after a long winter off-season, his elbow blew out under the strain of his minion trained muscles. So after two strong starts and posting a 1.59 ERA in AA, Below has been delegated to the DL and will be getting Tommy John Surgery this Friday. If all goes well, Below may join the minions for some abuse later this summer. Donations are being accepted to help support this struggling, one good armed dreamer, checks can be written out to Boffo.

http://www.minorleaguebaseball.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20090524&content_id=4925930&vkey=news_t106&fext=.jsp&sid=t106

Boffo Takes Podium Three Weeks in a Row!

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