KIWI WINS HAT-TRICK OF SPRINTS SPARKING DOPING ACCUSATION!

NO ‘A’ GROUP THIS WEEK = B+ FOR EVERYONE! 

SKITTLES TAKES THE COL de TWIN LAKES!

FALCON DEMOTED TO 'PERSONA NON GRATA' AFTER LEAVING GAZELLE GIRL UNSATISFIED!

IS A MINION RIDE WITHOUT SHARKMAN JUST LIKE JAWS WITHOUT THE SHARK?

NEW RSVP DATE FOR SHARK MINION NIGHT AT GAZELLE SPORTS!

BeloNews

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Tom Wolfe Reporting

Skittles Lair, Mi. - Dawn broke over the Creek to be Battled for Saturday morning to find Echo waiting patiently at Skittles’ humble abode - a rainbow colored bouncy house castle - on this curiously chilly morning for their usual “slow n sweet” ride out to the start. They eventually caught up to X-Rod who took note that Skittles rides aluminum wheels and Echo has her sweet new Bontrager carbon/aluminum hybrid wheels. X-Rod stated he’d therefore prefer not to ride near such austerity and so he'd be waiting for Nikeboy and his fancy-pants ENVE wheels. Skittles took the opportunity to remind Echo that her wheels are as fast as full carbon ones but “we could be riding unicycles in trench coats, we are both faster than those two clowns.” 

The twosome arrived at the start to spot just a handful of riders. Would Sharkman’s absence spur the peloton to find other things to do on a beautiful Saturday morning? 

Gazelle Girl arrived to the usual chant of “GAZELLE GIRL!”  More riders joined just barely before wheels-up time, including Dreamboat and Half-Moon. No one got an exact head count or a group photo but the count seemed to be north of 30 riders once they collected Kid Doster, Falcon and Ironman. 

The grupetto moved ahead in their usual somewhat subdued fashion led mostly by your humble author and B-Rod until Skittles yelled out “A Riders to the right, A Riders to the right.” Only Ironman and Kiwi went this way and so the threesome decided to move back in to the main group, forming a “B+ Group” this week.

Having reached the beginning of the Col de Twin Lakes, the gruppetto moved rather slowly down through the Col de Twin Lakes when a twosome of Ironman and Dreamboat broke away towards the finish line. Skittles hit the gas to catch up and deftly waited until just the right instant to nab the sprint point. 

The gruppetto rode down M-43 single file without incident other than noting ten or so Rat Rods, no doubt on their way to the Gilmore Car Museum. The turn off the highway found the gruppetto moving sort of slowly up to the Williams to Sheffield intersection when Skittles noticed the always dangerous Dreamboat make a move and so he countered, carefully swerving his way around B-Rod and up to and past Falcon and Ironman. He then got into the drops and just pedaled his ever-loving face off going up the hill to take this oft-contested sprint point with Dreamboat just half a wheel behind. Reached for comment later, Skittles exclaimed “Man, I loves me some uphill sprinting.” Is this a great country or what? No wonder North Korea won’t leave us alone.  

As the riders bore down on the GGG Spot Sprint, Skittles was sitting third wheel behind Dreamboat and somebody else, he looked over his shoulder to see if the First Lady of the Peloton would be taking her traditional sprint glory.  He noticed Gazelle Girl violently and breathlessly gesticulating at high speed with all the sound and fury one would imagine a supermarket paperback novel to inspire when Falcon came around to steal Gazelle Girl’s rightful place. He flopped all three inches out as far as he could stand and had just enough to get the tip onto the GGG Spot. Quoth Gazelle Girl post-sprint: “I can’t believe I shaved my legs for this. Actually, I’m stunned he lasted that long. Come to think of it, I’m not even mad, I'm impressed!” Afterward, Falcon gave the following counterpoint: “I just couldn't help myself.” Poor Falcon.  But hey, we’ve all been there. Well, in actual fact, Skittles hasn't. He's a real man.  

(Editors Note: The Commissioner of Cycling, as well as the cycling world, has declared Falcon "Persona Non Grata" for two editions of Belo News for this grievous violation of protocol!)

The final sprint was all that was left - with Dreamboat, Ironman and others pulling along at a fantastic pace, roughly 30 mph. A rider opened up a gap and Skittles moved to close it, moving too soon as it turned out. Dreamboat was on his wheel when Kiwi came around them both to take his third Final Sprint win in a row! Oh the Huge Manatee! 

Kiwi is hereby informed to report to USADA for a drugs test.  

The riders made their way up the Avenue de Chämps-Gälésbürg to find such a deafening roar that it was impossible to see through the sound waves just how many of the tifosi had made their way down to cheer on our heroes. 

Klutch time got its start with Sasquatch (Sas is expecting his first child in six weeks!) buying Koffee for the group with chatter about the usual errata. Eventually it was revealed that Half-Moon had done her last ever Minion Ride on her current bike as she had ordered a gorgeous new custom Trek Emonda Project One from the Trek Store for Skittles to build the very minute it comes in so she can participate in a ride that weekend. 

The group reminded Half-Moon that TIPS stands for “TO INSURE PROMPT SERVICE.” But also that beer is probably the number one way to grease the wheels in any organization, but twenty dollar bills help as well.  

SHARK MINION NIGHT AT GAZELLE SPORTS! 

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!?

Belo News

August 16, 2017

Kalamazoo, Mi. - Do you like Gazelle Sports? Do you like getting a deal? Well this is for you, Bunkie!

Gazelle Sports is planning a Shark Minion Night on Thursday, September 28 from 5-8 at Gazelle Sports on Burdick in Kalamazoo. There will be food and drink (beer, hard cider, wine, pop and some appetizers). Minions will receive a discount on anything they purchase that evening.  Our own Nikeboy has been working with Gazelle Sports on the event and he will be inviting others.  

Previously, RSVP's were supposed to go only to Nikeboy who had to set a date of 9/1 due to his travel. 

However, Gazelle Girl has volunteered to take reservations up until 9/25! Is this a great country or what?!?

But don't wait! Get your reservations in to Gazelle Girl ASAP at joan.o@comcast.net 

So get those RSVP's in to Gazelle Girl ASAP, Bunkie!

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Riders joining the Minion rides acknowledge the inherent risk involved with bicycle riding and by joining any Minion ride hold harmless any rider involved.