Nikeboy! Rider AND writer!
Not only looks good, he writes good!
(File Photo)

BANJOVI LIVE THIS FRIDAY NIGHT AT THE KLUTCH!

OH, THE HUMANITY!

ORANGE HELMET'S IN THE NATION?

ONGOING ALLEGATIONS OF ESPRESSO DOPING!

RED, WHITE AND BLUE JERSEY DAY!

Belo News

May 21, 2016

Nikeboy

Galesburg, Mi. - The weather was crisp, almost October like, as Nikeboy grabbed a bicycle from his garage and hopped aboard. Due to a late start, he worked harder than he likes to ensure making it in time for the glorious Minion start. Arriving at the Eaton driveway, he swung left to take what has become known as the Wildman Pass, a scenic tour of the Eaton parking lot replete with various trucks and truck like vehicles used in secret transmission testing protocols. The Wildman Pass spit our rider back onto Michigan Ave for the descent into Galesburg.

Passing the Klutch, it was noted that both Mad Dog and Wildman’s (of Wildman Pass fame) bikes were leaning against the wall. Clearly Mad Dog has dragged the ever innocent Wildman into his nefarious espresso doping circle. Nikeboy noticed a couple riders coming up behind him as he approached the high school, Cover/Stryker/Girl/Guy being one of them. As they rolled into the lot it was noticed that Gazelle Girl, B-Rod, Chia Pet and Yeti Boy were there as well as a plethora of other riders who Nikeboy knows by sight but not by name. There were also two orange hated gents in fancy kits one of whom looked like Zippy, it was hard to tell with the glowing S-Works helmets. (More on these helmets later).

Promptly at 8am the riders mounted up and headed through the neutralized start zone of Galesburg. Immediately after the turn onto

Cover Girl/Stryker Guy!
Either way, you gotta love him!

36^th Street, Skittles joined the peloton making a group of 20ish (didn’t get a good count, sorry). Cover/Stryker/Girl/Guy filled the role of honorary Sharkman taking the first sprint in a manner befitting one who has appeared on the cover of a local 4^th tier publication aimed at the senior audience.

The sun was now peeking out and riders began to shed layers, arm warmers and vests were stashed in jersey pockets. Gazelle Girl declined, stating she needed music to disrobe. The peloton rolled through Twin Lakes and up the Col. The pace remained mellow until the left turn was made at Yorkville Church where things quickened substantially through the Country Club section. The peloton made the turn on W Gull Lake together with Mad Dog and Skittles soon making a move to take the sprint. They were joined by Nikeboy followed closely by the Orange Hat Gang. Nikeboy dropped off the pace when his Garmin HR monitor reached up, slapped him in the face, and told him he was getting too old to do this crap. Skittles took the sprint and everyone regrouped at M-43.

The roll around the north end of the lake and up the Col d’ Norte was uneventful and by now a beautiful spring day was in full bloom. Back south, through the Bible Camp Hills and past the marina our mighty peloton spun, onlookers wondered aloud if they had been transported to Bella Italia and were witnessing the passing of the Giro.

Everyone behaved at the M-89 crossing and they headed up 37^th Street where our fearless heroine, Gazelle Girl was delivered to a GGG Spot sprint victory leaving scores of gasping men in her wake.

A quick left on G and then right on back on 37^th set the peloton up for the final sprint. Chia Pet went to the front to take the reigns pulling the group at a steady 25mph until they got over the last bump whereupon the Orange Hat Gang took a two man flyer off the front. Zippy and his companion soon had 25 yards on the group and things looked grim for the rest of the Minions. B-Rod grabbed onto Nikeboy’s wheel and the two set out in lukewarm pursuit but were unable to close the gap. The Orange Hat Gang took the victory with B-Rod and Nikeboy in a photo finish for the final podium spot. B-Rod proclaimed it a moral victory. Average speed was 19.1 mph.

The peloton is asking the commissioner to immediately open an inquiry into the performance enhancing substance delivery abilities of bright orange Specialized S-Works helmets. We already have to deal with Mad Dog’s 250 training miles per week and his infamous espresso doping regimen, to which he has now drawn the heretofore innocent Wildman. Now spiffy helmets too?

It should also be mentioned that in celebration of Cover Girl/Styker

Styker Guy 60 years old?
Oh, the humanity!
And he bought koffee
(File Photo)

Guy's 60th Birthday, he bought the koffee! Is this a great country or what?!? Sharkman was there and was only sorry he got there early and had to play for his own koffee!

Thanks Nikeboy! Where have you been? You should have been writing these long ago! The hell with the Editors! 

You won't want to miss this weeks edition and don't forget, it is Memorial Day Weekend so get out your RED, WHITE AND BLUE KIT!

Launch Time - 8:00 a.m. - SHARP!

Sharkman plans to be there for coffee!

BE THERE!

BANJOVI LIVE THIS FRIDAY NIGHT AT THE KLUTCH!

Belo News

May 26, 2016

Galesburg, Mi. - Have you ever heard ukulele infused blue grass? Wondering what it is? 

Have you ever heard Elton Grass? Uh, have you Minion Nation?

Ever heard Bon Jovi played by Banjovi! Well here is your chance, Bunkie!

That's right! The night the Nation has been waiting for is finally upon us! Yes, the famous Minion Band, Banjovi, will be performing live at the Koffee Klutch this Friday night, May 26, 2016 from 6:30-8:30 p.m.! We want to show Andrew how the mighty Minion Nation turns out for their own so come on down and have dinner, coffee, lemonade, whatever! Stay for a few songs, stay for them all! Though Banjovi has done some Open Mic's and charity events, this will be their debut as the main act so you will want to be there to see music history in the making! Heck, just writing this makes me want to be there and I will! Oh, the humanity!

Sharkman say's BE THERE! Your Nation counts on you!

Riders joining the Minion rides acknowledge the inherent risk involved with bicycle riding and by joining any Minion ride hold harmless any rider involved.

Squeaky, Wishbone, Gazelle Girl, and Skittles
makes the

SQUEAKY TAKES THE COMBATIVE RIDER AWARD!

GAZELLE GIRL TAKES THE GGG SPOT!

SKITTLES TAKES BIGGEST SPRINT WIN OF HIS CAREER!

IS THIS REALLY MAY?

OH, THE HUMANITY!

Belo News

May 14, 2016

Skittles

When it's too hard for them, it's just right for us! - Marv Levy

Galesburg, Mi. - Our intrepid hero pulled up in the crisp, clean, miserably cold, windy-air!

Wait, 41degrees in May? Really?! He noticed no other Minion-looking automobiles in the parking lot. Hmmmmm.... Not good.

As usual, he changed clothes in his home away from home, even when it is at his home, you guessed it, THE van!

Eventually, Squeaky rolled up, then met with the meekest cheer of the year.....Gazelle Girl!

Gazelle Girl immediately pointed out, that since Mad Dog had falied to show up, SHE now leads in the standings for the Minion Season Attendance Record! That's right, Bunkie!

The pace through the first few miles was, ahem, “social.” Now, Skittles love him some social riding, but also didn't wan to be closing ino the col de Norte after dark, so he took the lead and uppped the pace to all of about 14 mph. Squeaky took the ceremonial first sprint, with no one to contest it.

Ironman put in a good pull past the Kountry Klub, Skittles hot on his wheel. A little too good as it turns out. The pair to observe they'd dropped the entire Nation! Oh, the humanity!

Then there was an honest-to-gosh sprint up the Col de Norte, with Skittles deanying Squeaky his second win of the day.

Sailing down towards the GGG Spot Sprint, Gazelle Girl shot around to the front, Squeaky on her left, giving 1000% to deny her rightful spot! Ironman gegan shouting out “Joan, Joan, Joan!!!” Energized by the sound of a man's voice moaning her name, Gazelle Girl exploded with the power of a thermonuclear warhead to take her rightful place as the Queen of the GGG Spot! DO NOT underestimate the poser of the GGG Spot!

Flying down the hill toward the Final Sprint Zone, Skittles shot out like a supersonic bullet from a gun. Sprinting with everything he had and even borrowed a little more to take a win so huge, no minion was even in sight!

Just kidding......The Nation discussed it, and decided to skip the Klutch and the last few miles to go hang at Gazelle Girls Triple Nasty Ranchero. Your humble author, having to get home to the kiddos, resumed the regular Minion course, solo......

Hopefullly, everyone will be back this week as the weather should be a bit better!

This Saturday, May 21, 2016

Launch Time – 8:00 A.M. - Sharp!

BE THERE!

From the Editor: 

Thanks again, Skittles, for a great write up! By the way, our intrepid hero, the Sharkman, did go to the Klutch for Koffee but as you have read, the only rider he saw was Skittles riding by on his way back to his van! 

 But the Koffee was good!

By popular demand, the Commissioner of Cycling will move the launch time to 8:00 A.M. this weekend and it will remain at 8:00 A.M. until at least Labor Day.

Our intrepid hero, the Sharkman, continues to improve and seems to be right on schedule for a major comeback in July some time, so stand by, Nation! The Sharkman shall return!

Riders joining the Minion rides acknowledge the inherent risk involved with bicycle riding and by joining any Minion ride hold harmless any rider involved.

DID THE NATION SURVIVE WITHOUT THEIR LEADER?

MAD DOG DOPING?!

Our Guest Columnist, Skittles, with
his daughter Madison.
(File Photo).

OH, THE HUMANITY?!

BIKE MECHANICS CAN TYPE?!

Belo News

May 7, 2016

Skittles

This comes to you from Skittles, who seems to be a very impressive columnist! Thanks Skittles!

So listen up!

Marshal, Mi. - The editors of Belo News would like to remind the Nation of group riding etiquette.

The Nation cross roads as a group or we don't cross at all! If it takes half an hour to get a gap large enough for 20 riders to cross, then it takes half and hour! LOOK WHERE YOU ARE GOING! Do not cross the road just because the riders around you are crossing. LOOK WHERE YOU ARE GOING! We are adults, not lemmings. This stems from several close calls on the M89 crossing. We are all friends and we don't to see friends get hurt....or worse!

Nuff said!

Now, the story,

Belo News

May 7, 2016

Galesburg, Mi. - Our intrepid hero pulled up in the crisp, clean air. He changed clothes in the back of his van (you have all been warned about peeking unless you'd like to feel inadequate). Nikeboy, (Easy, Breezy, Beautiful) Cover Girl, Squeaky, Third Degree, Charles the Elder, were all in attendance with Mad Dog astride one nice looking Orbea.

Gazelle Girl and The Other Guy rolled up to the usual shouts of “GAZELLE GIRL!” Bringing the group 19 riders.

The rolling went smoothly in the oddly, cool for May, weather.

Kid Doster was observed waiting at a driveway, bringing the group up to an even 20 riders.

The peloton rolled on sedately with Skittles pulling for no apparent reason until the Col de Twin Lakes, where Mad Dog got away on a tremendous move up the hill. A chase group emerged containing Skittles and a Custer Rider (Bluto?), but were ultimately foiled by Mad Dogs brilliantly timed move.

Then it happened again up to the M89 Stop Ahead! Mad Dog goes on a monster, 28 mph pull, dropping the entire group save Skittles. Your humble author remarking, once the group made it up, that it looked as though he's been riding rarely seen tubular tires. To which Mad dog replied that they were and they add 5 mph.....OK, OK, 2mph, he corrected himself.

Henceforth, this shall be known as the “Rubber Doping” incident. 

It was Skittles turn to make a brilliant move!

The floodgates opened up on the col de Norte with Skittles punching through the air at maximum wattage to take the win. There really is nothing like a full blast uphill sprint in the drops! (Wait? What? Sharkman's note).

Later, a break away formed with three men searching desperately for the GGG Spot, denying Gazelle Girl her ceremonial win! (Wait? What? You mean Gazelle Girl hasn't been winning that on her own? Wait a minute........Sharkman's note).

These riders will not be ashamed, and should be shunned—Amish Style, for this insult to the longstanding Minion tradition!

The Minions began bearing down on the finish. Speeds increasing. Peloton stretched out. A group formed with Bluto, Mad Dog, and Skittles pulling hard. Third Degree, showing off his ever improving form, gave chase and eventually caught the group. Mad Dog moved over following his pull and Third Degree put in one monster pull, shedding Bluto, with Skittles biding his time. At just the perfect moment, Skittles exploded out of the saddle and sprinted harder and longer (the author warned you about the van) than even he thought possible to take the win over a hard charging Mad Dog!

The crowds on the Champs le Galesburg were raucous and huge. Crowd size scientifically estimated to be in excess of 2 if you count the old man mowing his lawn, facing away from the group. Your humble author was forced to skip the Klutch, oh the yous of being a grown up with responsibilities.......

Thanks Skittles! Great write up!

This Saturday, May 14, 2016

Launch Time – 8:30 A.M. - SHARP!

BE THERE!

Riders joining the Minion rides acknowledge the inherent risk involved with bicycle riding and by joining any Minion ride hold harmless any rider involved.

SHARKMAN TAKES THE SPRINT!!!

PROSTATES? WHO NEEDS THEM?

SHARKMAN BUYS KOFFEE?

SHARKMAN COMES THROUGH SURGERY WITH FLYING COLORS!

EARLY SPEED AT THE TUESDAY NIGHT RIDE!!!

Belo News

May 30, 2016

Shark Cove, Mi. - As dawn broke bright, but cool over the Shark Cove, our intrepid hero was again trying to determine what to wear.

The Klan gathers for the start!

It was again, one of those mornings that would get warmer as the day wore on. At the same time, it was all somewhat bitter sweet for the old Shark as he knew this would be his last ride for at least 2 months! Oh, the humanity.

After launching from the Cove, Sharkman saw Nikeboy riding in, again wearing his signature orange and black. As the two riders hustled along Watkins lane, Reb rode up, followed by Mad Dog who had been riding since 6:30 a.m.

Nikeboy was looking good,
but needs to open his eyes!

The riders quickly realized that they again, had an east wind and were being pushed along at a pretty good clip!

As they approached the first Hill on Michigan Ave., Wildman rode up at the top of the hill, but did not venture down to meet the riders, but circled at the top. Mad Dog immediately pointed out his “wimpyness” for not riding down. Sharkman had quite an entourage as he rode into Galesburg. Reb had to head back, and Mad Dog stopped at the Klutch for his early espresso, but Nikeboy and Wildman rode on to the start with Sharkman.

There was again, a large number or riders getting their steeds ready for launch. It was also revealed that two of the virgin Minions from the previous week had obtained names! Scott the Younger is apparently known as Scottie Karate at the Team Active shop and Scott the Older was bestowed the name of Bluto! Welcome to the mighty Minion Nation!

Nikeboy, B-Rod and Gazelle Girl hold court.

Ironman rode in with his entourage of Dot-Dot-Dash and Wishbone to shouts of “Other Guy!” Meanwhile, Gazelle Girl made yet another early entrance. Some Minions were making their season debut, like Cheese, The Promise, and Tow Truck. Hossman was back, in shorts again, but did remember gloves this week! Meanwhile, it needs to be duly noted that Wishbone also rode the previous week in shorts and was back this week in shorts! What? Can't these guys afford some leg warmers?

These riders need to take a note from the Style Guy, Squeaky, who knows how to dress in cold weather! As an example, he was wearing enough cloths for 6 riders this past Saturday! Two different colored gloves, two stocking caps, a muffler, the man knows how to stay warm!

Cover Girl, Stryker Guy doing
his Super Shark Impression!

Cover Girl, Stryker Guy rode in wearing, what else? His Shark Minion Jersey! Looking like Superman, he simply pulled his jacket open to reveal one of the most coveted jersey's in all of cycling! Also the jersey he so faithfully wore in his cover shot!

It was going to be a great ride! All in all, 19 Minions showed up to start on Sharkman's memorial ride!

The Nation rolled pass the Koffee Klutch, waving to their fans in the early morning koffee group and then headed north. The chatter was moving along with the peloton as Boatman rode up, making his season appearance and the 19th rider.

Hossman and B-Rod and Bluto came to the front to lead out the Sharkman for the honorary first sprint and the ride was on!

Gazelle Girl making another early
appearance! 

As the sun warmed their backs, the Nation crossed G ave., climbed the cul de Twin lakes and headed past the Northville Church.

It was noted that the Skipper had not swept Kellogg Corner and the pace picked up in the Kountry Klub section on to Rt. 43.

At the top of the cul de Norte, some errant Minions did not wait as Sharkman yelled out to hold up.

Ironman (the Other Guy) rides in with
Dot-Dot-Dash and Wishbone in tow.

TIME FOR A CHALK TALK! THE NATION WAITS AT ALL STOP SIGNS AND AT THE TOP OF THE CUL DE NORTE. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A ROLLING STOP IN THE NATION! EVERYONE NEEDS TO STOP, MOVE TO THE RIGHT AND WAIT FOR EVERYONE TO LATCH BACK ON. AND NO CIRCLING IN THE INTERSECTION PLEASE!

NUFF SAID!

With some riders rolling through the cul de Norte, the peloton was blown apart for the Holy Roller Section but all seemed to catch back on at the feed stop.

Tow Truck made his
season debut.

After the Digital Divide, a very nice double pace line formed up and Sharkman enjoyed sitting in and playing off the pace next to Wishbone. It was a beautiful day and as the train started moving up to 22 mph, Sharkman's heart rate was at a rate equivalent to a walk in the park! Who doesn't love a good pace line!

The pace line got Gazelle Girl into position and surrounded by Minions, she was able to capture, yet another, GGG Spot Sprint!

Sharkman led the nation at the G Ave. crossing and soon, Wildman, Mad Dog, Bluto and others came forward to take over. As B-Rod went by, he motioned to Sharkman to stay on, which made the old Shark suspicious. Though the speed was building, no one seemed to me making the break for the line.

Cheese made his season debut!

It was then that Sharkman heard someone say, “.....is he there?” and he began to realize what was happening.

As B-Rod lead the Shark on the outside, Nikeboy came around and Sharkman jumped on his wheel as the mighty Minion Nation descended to the finish! As the Stop Ahead Finish Line loomed just ahead, Nikeboy launched our intrepid hero out and as he hit a speed of 33.1 mph, the Sharkman took the finishing sprint! No, our hero wasn't going to dishonor the victory without some speed!

Remember, Belo News does not report sprint finishes until the middle of May....unless Sharkman wins!

Easty was looking good in his riding vest!

He immediately began thanking the Nation for the win and was utterly humbled by their gift of the victory.

As the Nation moved down the Champs le Galesburg, the fans went wild over the victory and their hero's!

At the Klutch, the old Shark pulled out his credit card from his dusty billfold and shouted, “The Koffee's on me!” Some mentioned they didn't even know Sharkman owned a billfold.....

Sharkman buying? Is this a great country or what!

The koffee flowed as Minions signed and presented a card to the Sharkman with the title “Prostate's....Who needs them!” This was followed by a rousing chorus of “For Your a Jolly Good Fellow!' It was a victory for America!

Hossman remembered gloves this
week, but was still in shorts!

In other business, a proposal was presented, that would change the name of Stryker Guy to Cover Girl. The Commissioner has taken the proposal under consideration and will report back to the Nation later.

It was a fantastic day in the neighborhood! It was with a big smile that our intrepid hero rode home, into that east wind, with his lead man, Mad Dog!

Though our hero is out for the next two months, the mighty Minion Nation will still ride!

This Saturday, May 7, 2016

Things were jumping at the Klutch at the post ride
Press conference!

The weather is supposed to get warmer, so the time will now start to move up.

Launch Time – 8:30 A.M. SHARP!

Be there!

Hoosier Boy stopped in to have
Koffee and sign Sharkman's card!

Even Toesetter stopped in on his motorcycle!

SHARKMAN COMES THROUGH SURGERY WITH FLYING COLORS!

Belo News

May 2, 2016

Ann Arbor, Mi. - Belo News is pleased to report that our intrepid hero, the Sharkman, came through his surgery just like he did Saturday's sprint! After the 3 hour procedure, the Doctor reported to Lava Girl that they did not find any cancer in the lymph nodes and it was a “textbook operations.” Sharkman was released the next day and is resting at the Cove, hoping to make it for koffee on Saturday!

EARLY SPEED AT THE TUESDAY NIGHT RIDE!!!

Belo News

May 3, 2016

Battle Creek, Mi. - Despite the fact that the Sharkman was not able to ride at the Tuesday Night Ride, the three Minions that did turned in an amazing early season time for the course! It was reported that Mad Dog, Wildman and Stingray turned in a 20.3 mph average for the ride.

This ride meets behind Arcadia at 5:30 p.m. On Tuesday nights and rides approximately 30 miles in a pace line. Come on out if you like to do speed work and work on your pace line!

REB ROCKS IT AT THE FORT CUSTER STAMPEDE!

Belo News

May 1, 2016

Fort Custer, Mi. - Only one Minion reported in from the Custer Stampede and he reported great results! Our own Reb, finished 5^th in the 50-59 age group. He also reported that Polar Bear finished 3^rd in his group. Reb also reported his success at bloodying his shin and riding off the trail several times and still finishing 5th! It has not been determined if he was more impressed with getting on the podium or getting a free pint of beer. However, knowing Reb, Belo News is pretty sure it was the pint of beer!

Great job Minions! You made the mighty Minion Nation proud!

Riders joining the Minion rides acknowledge the inherent risk involved with bicycle riding and by joining any Minion ride hold harmless any rider involved.