KILT KONTROVERSY!

Sharkman in his kontroversial kilt!
Man, that guy has great legs!

KONTROVERSY EVERYWHERE!

KLUTCH KLOSED? OH, THE HUMANITY!

NICKHEAD RETURNS TO TAKE THE TAPE!

SHARK MINION JERSEY DAY THIS SATURDAY!

Belo News

August 21, 2015

Shark Cove, Mi. - As dawn broke bright and cool over the Shark Cove, we find our intrepid hero, the Sharkman padding from his shark bed excited that the Nation would be returning to his beloved “Field of Dreams” also known as the KK-TdG.

Bissell Kit Day in the Nation!

Little did he know that there was kontroversy coming his way as he began his morning by donning his Bissell Team Kit. Yes, it was Bissell Kit Day and Sharkman likes nothing better than to look like one of his hero's, Bissell Boy!

As the garage door opened, he noticed Rainman getting ready. Mad Dog had already reported that he would meet Sharkman “on the road,” so off the pair went.

The pair checked at Helmer Road to see if Reb was coming, but since they had launched a couple of minutes late, and he was no where to be seen, they moved on.

Shortly after crossing Helmer, Mad Dog rode up from behind reporting that he could not get his dogs back into the house after letting them out, causing him to be late. Hey, a dog has to do what a dog has to do, right?

The Nation getting ready to launch!

It was a beautiful morning, more reminiscent of a fall morning than an August morning, as the riders were wearing arm warmers and Rainman actually had a jacket on.

As the riders went past the Klutch, it looked like it was closed but it was hard to tell.....

As they approached the start, the Nation was already starting to gather, many decked out in their finest Bissell Kit!

Brewman was back after a weekend up north and was wearing one of his traditional Brew Jersey's along with a pair of Bissell bib shorts!

Toast gasping for air after stealing
Sharkmans sprint while Easty looks on!

Iceman pulled in, in his truck with both his road and mountain bike, followed shortly by other Team Taylor riders who had ridden over, all in their Bissell Kit! Iceman, Chains the Bounty Hunter, Nickhead and Kia Pet were all in attendance and dressed for the day! Apparently the Team Taylor guys read Belo News!

Easty, Zyckmann and Brewman (who qualified because of his bib shorts) all posed for the paparazzi as others rode in.

B-Rod was there, along with Toast, Hoosier Boy, and Sasquatch as Easty reported that Gazelle Sports was sponsoring a training run around Gull Lake and that the Nation need to watch for runners, and Zyckman was offering free Thule rack parts! Oh, the humanity.

As the Nation headed towards the Klutch, the Sweetheart of the Peloton approached and was greeted with shouts of “Gazelle Girl” from her adoring Nation! Of course, she was not only decked out in Bissell Kit, but was wearing one red and one blue pigtail ribbon in each pigtail!

Bissell Kit everywhere!

Does this lady know how to style or what!?!

As the Nation went past the Klutch, they all noticed that it was klosed and theorized that Andrew over slept but would certainly be there by the time they returned.

As the Nation headed north, B-Rod took his usual position at the front, getting ready to lead out his hero and get his name in Belo News.

Things were going according to plan as Sharkman thanked his lead out man, B-Rod and took up the speed to take the sprint.

As he approached the stop ahead sign, he checked his mirror and didn't see anyone and let up for the briefest of moments.

Skipper at Andrea's in his
Bissell Kit! Don't know
what Hoosier Boy was doing?

It was then that the first kontroversey occurred. From his left, Sharkman saw Toast, streaking to take the first, and honorary sprint from Sharkman!

Wait,...what?

That's right, Bunkie! Toast took the sprint from a surprised Sharkman! Oh, the humanity! Sharkman loves old Toast! Would he be forced to declare Toast “Persona non Grata?” Oh, the humanity!

In an extremely kontroverisal decision, the Sharkman decided to declare he was not honoring the sprint by not going all out and had to award it to Toast! Additionally, he has now declared it be Toasts sprint and he will now be condemned to have to take it every week like Sharkman has had to do for a number of years!

Is this a great country or what!?!

Free from that sprint! YES!

Gazelle Girl in her Bissell kit,
and catch those pigtails!

At the G Ave. stop, Sharkman took a count that totaled 17 riders, however, John (name to be determined) jumped on somewhere along the route and the Skipper also jumped on at the Yorkville Church taking the count up to 19 on the day.

The Nation stayed together through the Col de Twin Lakes, though a small group accelerated at the top of the hill for a break away.

As mentioned, the Skipper, decked out in his Bissell Kit finery, jumped on at the Yorkville Church and the Team Taylor guys went to the front to take up the speed, and take it up they did!

At the press conference after the ride, Sharkman was quoted as stating “that may have been the fastest Kountry Klub section, EVER!”

Sharkman grabbed on for his life and picked the wrong wheel as a gap opened in front of the rider he was behind and after he went around, he could not catch a wheel to save his dorsal from the pain of fighting to catch up!

The Nation at Andrea's with Gina, Dutch's daughter!
Not sure what Zyckman was going......?

He was so far behind, that he was not even aware of who won the sprint and additionally, Gazelle Girl got all over Rainman when she claimed that the group did not sit up at the turn after the Kountry Klub, as is tradition, but alas, Rainman stated they did! Oh, the humanity!

In the Kountry Klub section, the Nation started to encounter the Gazelle Sports Running Club and there were a lot of them. As the Nation summit-ted the col de Norte, Sharkman grew horse yelling at B-Rod to get out of the middle of the road, as a car was approaching. B-Rod claimed he couldn't hear the diminutive hero, but Hoosier Boy was also shouting and it was believed that B-Rod was employing selective listening......

As the Nation made it's way through the Holy Rollers they continued to confront Gazelle Sports runners, shouting hello and waving at the fans! This also caused the Nation to slow down to a more comfortable pace as they approached Frona's, now known as Queens Cupboard.

The road heading into the Inlet had been recently chip and sealed, again slowing the Nation down before the Digital Divide, where the County is going to have to put a light in soon as it is getting extremely difficult to make a safe crossing!

To everyones surprise, a pretty sweet pace line developed in the run up to the GGG Spot Sprint. It was particularly sweet as it seemed to be rotating in the opposite direction that the Minion usually rides in! 

Oh, the humanity!

As the Nation bore down on the GGG Spot Sprint, Mad Dog came forward with the Sweetheart on his wheel! A cheer went up as the Nation tried to catch on but true to her desires, Gazelle Girl inched out Mad Dog to take the sprint by less than half a wheel!

After Sharkman shouted out his usual admonishment's about safety, he went to the front as the Nation bore down to the finish. Without a Hossman or Tow Truck, our hero threw himself on his sword and took up the speed with a cast of thousands on his wheel.

After the first hill, Toast came up to take the pull, still feeling the glow of win on the first, Sharkman sprint!

Shortly after, Mad Dog came forward to try to take up the pace with everyone holding on as the fast moving semi sped up the final ascent!

At the top of the final climb, Sharkman stated he could feel the peloton coming on like a wild wind off Lake Michigan!

The Team Taylor guys came forward, along with Rainman, B-Rod, Brewman and others as they bore down on the finish line!

It was neck and neck right down to the finish where Nickhead took the tape with a close win over Rainman, with B-Rod, complaining of cramps, right on his wheel!

As the riders got ready to ride down the Champs le Galesburg, they zipped up their jersey's and were glad to be back on one of the most famous roads in cycling! Yes, the Champs le Galesburg where legends are made and seen by the tofosi! The crowds were huge as the hero's rode down this legendary road to the Klutch!

That is when the second kontroversy took place!

Sharkman had already leaned his bike against the front window of the Klutch and was hurrying to get in line before the foo foo koffee drinkers got there to slow things down, when he pulled on the door and it wouldn't open.

Wait, ….what?

The Klutch was Klosed! Oh, the humanity!

Shock went through the Nation. Pre koffee jitters started to hit the Nation and there was crying and gnashing of teeth! No Koffee?!? Oh, triple the humanity!

Minions pounding on the doors crying out, "Why? Why?......"

The Nation took it across the street to Andrea's and much to their surprise, the waitress was none other than the daughter of a fellow Minion who hasn't been seen in the Nation for some time!

Gina, daughter of Dutch, was on duty and started bringing out the hot pitchers of coffee for a waiting Nation as they mobbed the restaurant!

Gina was great, continuing to keep the Nation's coffee cups full and even posed for the photo for the blog!

The Nation slogged down coffee like they had just crossed the sands of a foriegn desert.

And then the final two kontroversy's took place.

Everyone wanted to know where the photo of Sharkman in his Kilt was?

Wait, ….what?

Apparently, everyone had read the blog last week and wanted to see the photo and Sharkman was in shock that he had forgotten to include it after billing it as being in the blog! Wait, maybe it was a test to see who is reading Belo News! Yep, that's it! It was a test and the Nation passed!

Then, the next kontroversy! The, what has now become famous, photo of the Shark sipping beer from the kegger.....

Though this was originally a photo of Zyckmann drinking directly

It's beer from a kegger!

from the kegger, he requested it not be published becasue, as he says, “I have a reputation to maintain...” (yeah, right...) has become VERY kontroversial! Apparently some of the Nation was not sure what that could be that the Shark was “sucking” on. Theories abounded but no one seemed to see that it was a kegger.

So, the answer to “What is the Shark sucking on?” is a kegger! Geesh.....

Oh, and what was the final kontroversy you ask?

Earlier in the week, Sharkman was called out for his write up in Belo News about the breakaway group at the BEU. It was in fact BUFF who was in the breakaway at the end of the ride and not B-Rod!

However, Belo News would like to take this opportunity to remind the Nation that any semblance to the truth in Belo News is purely coincidental and subject to the Editors biases and memory, which are both highly suspect. Additionally, if our Editor isn't near the finish, Belo News might not get the finish order correct and would probably forget it anyway, even if we did see it.

After all, last weeks edition was number 300 and it is lucky that the Editors get anything right anymore!

But where else can you get this type of in-depth journalism, hard hitting news with each issue packed with suspense and kontrovery? That's right, Bunkie, NO WHERE!

On to next week, which will be, by popular demand,

SHARK MINION JERSEY DAY!

Launch time – 8:00 a.m. - SHARP!

Be there!

And finally, for those of you who missed riding with Squeaky's brother (yes Squeaky has a brother! Who knew?) Belo News was finally able to get B-Rod to send the to the News Desk.  Here it is!

Now we just need Squeaky back in the Nation!

Squeaky and his brother!

Riders joining the Minion rides acknowledge the inherent risk involved with bicycle riding and by joining any Minion ride hold harmless any rider involved.