DID THE NATION SURVIVE WITHOUT THEIR LEADER?

The Nation, leaderless, while Toast photo bombs in
a wine jersey!?! Oh, the humanity!

DID A RIVAL BIKER GANG GET WORD THAT THE MINIONS WERE LEADERLESS AND STAGE AN AMBUSH?

DO OTHER CYCLING GROUPS LEAVE PEOPLE BEHIND?

EASTY BUYS?

COLLEGE JERSEY GAME DAY THIS SATURDAY!

Belo News

September 5, 2015

Reporter: Reb, edited by Gazelle Girl,

disputed by Mad Dog....

Galesburg, Mi. - Even without its fearless, or should it be said, "endless vacation dayness" leader, the leader-less Nation managed to leave sharply at 8 a.m., even managing to get a

The Nation looks confused as they group
without their hero, the Sharkman.....

few iPhone shots of the Nation sporting the holiday weekend-inspired beer jerseys beforehand. (I'm not sure of the official count, but I'm sure somebody reported a close enough number.) With the exception of the kid that runs the Klutch (who is still trying to get back into the good graces of the Nation) waving to the peloton as they rolled through town, the ride began quite benign.

With the Nation unsure of what to do as the first sprint appeared on the horizon, Squeaky (I'm not sure if he was the one who helped himself in Sharkman's absence, but that's my guess) took advantage of the Nation's indifference and the absence of the Sharkman and hammered home his steed to take the first sprint. (Is he named Squeaky because he won't lube up his chain? Which, by the way, is annoying.)

Easty opens up the wallet to buy! Wait, ....what?
Sharkman wasn't there?..........

Still rudderless, the Nation continued with an acceptable pace with two studs deciding early that they were going to try to win the second sprint. (Got no idea who the studs were. Didn't put my contacts in and they were way up there.)

Crossing M-89 and taking the left turn at the Yorkville Church, the Nation was enjoying a great morning ride when, suddenly, it was surrounded by a rival gang. Not since Westside Story has there been such conflict surrounded by so much poetry as the rival gangs merged to form a "super-peloton." With a few riders exchanging pleasantries, there was still an underlying sense of pride as both gangs picked up their pace, possibly as a way of "puffing out their chest" or as Gazelle Girl would say, satisfying the urge measure their manhood. However, when we reached the Rt. 43 Stop, the elders of both groups urged their troops to stay single-file. The result was a very impressive line of riders almost 40(?) long riding into the rising sun. Is this a great country or what?

Andrew doing his best Minion impersonation!

Eventually, the two groups split apart with the Nation being the second. While I'm sure somewhere there were a group of cyclists bragging how they passed the Nation, the truth is probably closer to the fact that the Nation is a social group, not above sharing a few stories during the appropriate junctures, and it was during one of those pauses that the groups divided back into their own.

Some-time reporter, Gazelle Girl, interjects here to tell her account of the split: As we all know the Col de Norte is a re-grouping spot for the Nation. As Gazelle Girl plodded up the long hill toward the top her mind wandered to wondering what the Nation would do when the rival gang turned right and kept right on a goin', which we could assume would be their style. Well, let's just say that Gazelle Girl was most impressed with the Nation when she heard several members say, "Minions, hold up. Minions hold up." Which is exactly what happened. Suddenly the number of riders was split in half and the potential for a knife fight was vastly diminished. Victory for America!

Three things were for sure: while tensions were high, peace

Not quite sure how to caption this shot
of Rainman......

was maintained and a few short-lived friendships were formed between people who love to ride bikes. Not every group believes in the mantra "leave no Minion behind," as a rider from the rival gang asked Nikeboy and a few of the other Minions if he could ride in with us, explaining that he had just realized that he was riding with the Nation and not his group. Not only did the Nation accept him as one of their own, they gave him directions back to Kalamazoo at the finish of the GGG Sprint. Finally, while apparently every cycling group must have a female, as this rival gang had an attractive lady in a matching kit, it was pointed out by one minion that she might have been cute, but not even close to being as beautiful as our own sweetheart of the peloton, Gazelle Girl.

The Nation finished up with only two small hiccups. First, in the absence of a true father figure, GG finished third in the

New Minion, Paul! Welcome the mighty
Minion Nation, Paul name to be
determined!

GGG Sprint to two guys who obviously didn't understand the program. (I'll let you re-write this one, I'm too big of fan of GG).

Gazelle Girl here again. GG was in a decent spot to take her beloved sprint as long as everybody held their place. No can do. Tan Man came flying by with a look of determination on his bronzed face. Sasquatch jumped on in hopes of leading Gazelle Girl to a satisfying finish but she didn't make the jump in time to follow Sasquatch's wheel to the line. Upon passing Tan Man, Gazelle Girl was heard to mutter, "You must not read the blog." To which Tan Man replied, "What's the blog?" So, there your have it, kids. Explains EVERYthing.

Back to Reb:

Then with about several hundred yards to go before the final right turn onto cycling's greatest avenue, Nikeboy looks at Reb and informs him that they're turning left and heading back to Battle Creek, in effect skipping the normal parade down Main Street and the post-ride cup of Klutch koffee.

Emily (daugher of Hoosier Boy) joined the Nation for coffee
Emily is the honorary
 president of the minion fan club in NYC and
 an avid Belo News reader.

Reb, who not only had ridden over, but three hours earlier had packed a Snickers bar, had - for the last 10 miles - been dreaming about how good it was going to taste with a cup of java at the Klutch. However, Nikeboy doesn't believe in breaks and Reb didn't want to disappoint the cycling legend, thus he followed his idol up the "Sortir de Galesburg" (that's French for the climb out of Galesburg) trying to forget how good that Snickers bar was going to taste.

Gazelle Girl holds court at the Klutch!

Obviously, I can't tell you the rest of the story, but it was a good ride. Sorry about all the grammar mistakes, trying to write, watch tennis and figure out how Ohio State went from down 3 to up 25.

The following Highlights were submitted by Mad Dog, but immediately disputed by Gazelle Girl. Readers will need to review both to determine the truth!

Highlights of the ride from Mad Dog:

18 or so riders with Cheese returning to the peleton.

Toast not only refused to take the first sprint, but photo bombs the beer jersey pic with a wine jersey.

The group swells to almost double along the country club section when another group tries to overtake the Nation.

New Minion Paul getting the low down
from veteran Minion Stryker Guy!

Nike Boy (yes you read that correctly) takes the M-43 sprint.

The most perfect pace line the Nation has seen this year forms along 37th. Gazelle Girls looks to take sprint when Tan Man steals it. She still manages to make the podium after a great lead out by Iron Man.

Rainman takes a flyer, holds off the charging group, and takes the final sprint.

If you didn’t ride yesterday, you missed a good on!

It was a great day to be a Minion, to say the least!

Minions won't want to miss this weeks edition of the KK-TdG as it is College Jersey Game Day! Oh, the humanity!

Saturday, September (can it really be September?) 12, 2015

Launch Time – 8:00 A.M. - SHARP!

BE THERE!

TUESDAY CHAIN GANG ESTABLISHES SEASON RECORD!

New Season Record set!

Belo News

September 1, 2015

Battle Creek, Mi. - While Sharkman could not be present, the Tuesday Night Chain Gang established the best time of the season and was just short of the all time record of 21.5 mph!

Rainman reports!

2015 record set for average land-speed: 21.4mph (all-time record is 21.5mph)

Only 4 Minions toed-the-line with two finishing the last 5 miles.

Recognition & Awards:

· 100% Tail Light Compliance: Team Minions [East]

· Massive Puller Award: Hossman

Solid-clip up G Ave climb & lead-out on Augusta Rd before he peeled off.

· Most Devoted: Hoosier Boy

Brought his tail light, met-up in Augusta, but loses spirit points for light-dimness (change your batteries!)

·Perseverance Award: Rainman

Stingray and Rainman were DUMPED ON when the sky opened up with rain near home on Michigan Ave (you know how much Rainman likes the rain, mmmmm no). The two were treated to a pretty rainbow [insert your harassment here]

·MVP: Stingray

Only other Minion besides Rainman that completed the entire course – Oh the humanity!!!

You won’t want to miss next week; only a few Tuesday nights left!

IN OTHER NEWS!

Belo News

September 10, 2015

Shark Cove, Mi. - Veteran reporter and legendary Minion, Dr. Dave, was a bit late with these photos from the BEU, but they are so good, they need to be posted!  So enjoy, Nation!

See you all on Saturday!

The Nation salutes the BEU!

The Nation just couldn't stop saluting the Nation!

Sharkman gives a big "Thumbs Up" to his first
Bloody 'Ell 'Undred!

Sharkman give another "Thumbs Up" while Zyckmann confirms
his oath of "No Dick Banging!"

Riders joining the Minion rides acknowledge the inherent risk involved with bicycle riding and by joining any Minion ride hold harmless any rider involved.