AVOIDING CONSTRUCTION!

This week's Guest Journalist, Skittles!

DISC BRAKES IN THE PELOTON?

FALCON PUTS ALL THREE INCHES ON THE G SPOT!

BLOODY ‘ELL ‘UNDRED NEXT WEEKEND!

Belo News

August 9^, 2014

By Skittles

Galesburg, Mi. - As dawn broke over the bustling metropolis of Galesburg, MI, our (other) intrepid hero, Skittles, made his way to the start to find most of the Minion Nation’s “heads of state” in attendance: Stryker Guy, Bissell Boy, Hoosier Boy, Squeaky, B-Rod, Kid Doster, Mad Dog, Boatman, Falcon, Mighty Monk, Brewman, Easty, Cheese, Sasquatch, and others all looking around wondering who was leading the goat rodeo on this nice, cool morning.

The sweet sound of pedals clipping in the morning accompanied discussion of Skittle’s “new” ride. Unbeknownst to the peloton, but knownst to Skittles, it was his disc brake equipped cross bike he was trying out as a road bike”for the hell of it” on this fine day.

Gazelle Girl holds Court!

Bissell Boy led the peloton around the railroad crossing which was most definitely not crossable on foot. The riders passing the Triple Nasty Ranchero, each with his own silent tribute to the First Lady of the Minions, the Sweetheart of the Peloton, our very own Gazelle Girl.

Once back on the normal course we were met with Falcon, repaired frame underneath him, amongst others, bringing the total to a not-too-shabby 20 riders!

As the Nation headed north, Skittles noticed the peloton curiously slowing through the col de Twin Lakes; he shrewdly took advantage by coming around the Nation, only to be foiled by one huge acceleration from a large enough group of riders that your humble author has no idea of their ID’s.

Kid Doster and Easty.  Kid Doster felt he
had to keep his helmet on.....Uh?

M-43 went by quickly, with Falcon impressively accelerating around the entire Nation, and then Skittles made his usual unanswered massive acceleration up the hill, fruitlessly in pursuit of that Strava KOM that has eluded him since 2011…

The impressively smooth road leading to the G-Spot saw Dreamboat came a little early to said G-Spot, followed by Skittles and Falcon, he then slowed for a split second, Skittles going into a full on sprint, Falcon on his wheel, then coming around to take cycling’s most coveted prize by a grand total of three inches! Oh the humanity!

Zickman explaining the Bloody 'Ell 'Undered
to the Press. Ranger Rick in a helmet as well.
What's that all about?

As the nation bore down on the finish, the peloton picked up speed despite appearing a trifle (yes, trifle-read a book, Bunkie!) bit nervous, no one wanting the lead. Skittles finally made a move to the front with a cast of thousands on his wheel. Then, B-Rod decided to lead out Mad Dog. Stunningly, no one gave chase. Skittles, sensing an opportunity, went into full-on Smokey and the Bandit Chase Mode (“Just put that Hammer down and Give ‘Em Hell!”) to catch the duo and come around Mad Dog in a brilliant move (if I do say so myself) to take the win sitting down! Who ever thought the Minion Sprint could be taken sitting down? Oh the humanity!

Styker Guy was back, as well as Dream Boat!

Despite the deafening roar of the world’s elite cycling fans on the Champs le Galesburg, our heroes were able to confirm that without Sharkman holding us back this week, (Editors Note: This is obviously a typing error) average speed was at least 28mph! Making this The Fastest Minion Ride in the History of the Universe! Honest! Oh, the humanity! Is this a great country or what? We even had an appearance from the Sweetheart of the Peloton, our own Gazelle Girl, regaling B-Rod and Skittles of her successful surgery during the Post Ride Press Conference. Perfect morning!

Remember, there is no KK-TdG this week as the Nation takes part in the Bloody 'Ell 'Undred! Read more about that below

GAZELLE GIRL RECOVERING WELL AND TAKING CARE OF “DEBBIE DARK MATTER!”

Belo News

August 13, 2014

Triple Nasty Ranchero, Mi. - As the Nation knows, Gazelle Girl continues to recover and is doing well! She also wants the Nation to know that she is taking good care of little Debbie Dark Matter and has submitted this very touching family photograph of little Debbie taking her first steps.......

BLOODY 'ELL 'UNDRED THIS WEEKEND!

Belo News

August 13, 2014

Gull Lake, Mi. - Anyone Minion who is any Minion will know that this Saturday is the Gala Event of all Gala Events!

The Third Annual Bloody 'Ell 'Undred or lovingly known as BEU is this Saturday!

The attached invitation gives all the details and if you haven't signed up, contact Gazelle Girl as soon as you can!

joan.o@comcast.net

Belo News has learned that the “Sweetheart of the Peloton” will be “escorting” the ride in a vintage sports car! Oh, the humanity! Is this a great country or what!?!

Zickman and Gazelle Girl will be all set to host this Gala event, so don't be late!

Did we mention it would be a “Gala Event?”

MINIONS ROCK AT CEREAL CITY TRIATHLON!

Stroker, Kathy, Hoosier Boy and Karen

Belo News

August 10, 2014

Battle Creek, Mi. - Belo News was not able to get a lot of information on the results of the Cereal City Triathlon as it went to press, but thanks to special reporter Hoosier Boy, we were able to obtain a photo. We know that both Hoosier Boy and Stroker did very well, while Nikeboy was officiating. Belo News has also learned that Nikeboy was somehow knocked off of his “Officiating Surf Board” but handled the dismount quite well, taking 9 and 10's from all the judges.  Wish we had a photo of that!

Great job Minions! You did the Nation proud!

Riders joining the Minion rides acknowledge the inherent risk involved with bicycle riding and by joining any Minion ride hold harmless any rider involved.