SHARKMAN & GAZELLE GIRL TELL ALL!

Sharkman being interviewed on Oprah!

WAS ANYONE CRAZY ENOUGH TO RIDE LAST WEEK? 

NAME THAT MINION UPDATE!


Belo News
April 13, 2013

Shark Cove - Mi.  The entire cycling world was abuzz all week with rumor and innuendo  concerning drug allegations in the mighty Minion Nation.  The allegations began when an innocent photo of one of the iconic members of the peloton captured her dipping into a "bag of tricks" that was labeled "Dope." The infamous photo began to circulate as did a subsequent photo of our intrepid hero, the Sharkman, dipping into what looked like the very same "bag of tricks" as well as speculation about his superior abilities on that particular Saturday that were then connected to the photo.

As a result, both riders have set the record straight with in-depth interviews on Oprah!

In their tell all interviews, first Sharkman stated that he had been tested numerous times and other than heavy traces of Pop Tarts, prunes and caffeine, he has passed every single test the Galesburg Cycling Federation has administered to him (other than the time he missed the sample cup). Concerning his dramatic improvement on the bike on that given Saturday, he attributed that to particularly high consumption of Pop Tarts that morning along with some adult beverages that he had indulged in the previous evening.

Gazelle Girl excited to be on Oprah!

Meanwhile, Gazelle Girl, who started the controversy with her "bag of tricks," also maintained complete innocence and stated that she has carried that particular "change" purse for some time.  Gazelle Girl became increasingly excited during the interview and at one point began to jump up and down on the couch, shouting her love of the bike, the mighty Minion Nation, particular cocktail combinations and that Koffee at the Klutch (and that occasional cocktail) was all the drug she needed to kick butt in the peloton!

You go girl!

As a result, the Cycling Federation has concluded the investigation and has cleared both Sharkman AND Gazelle Girl of any wrong doing and additionally, they have publicly apologized for their over zealous persecution of these two icons of the peloton.

WAS ANYONE CRAZY ENOUGH TO RIDE LAST WEEK? 

Belo News

April 13, 2013

Shark Cove, Mi. - As our intrepid hero, the Sharkman, headed out early for Muskegon on Saturday, he wondered if anyone would be riding on the cold and snowy morning he was witnessing through the windshield of his Sharkmobile as he headed past Galesburg and the field of dreams he has come to know as the KK-TdG.  As readers of Belo News are all aware, the Shark hates to miss a Saturday with his beloved league of Minions but duty called and he could not be in the Nation on this day.

When he arrived in Muskegon at around 8:30 a.m., he received a text from Rainman stating "This might be the Saturday you ride alone!" to which our hero responded, "Yea, I'm not even there!"

Yes, it would be hard to believe that anyone, even a Minion, would ride on a morning like this, but as we all know, there is always one or two Minions who will ride in any kind of weather!

As we began to go to press, our own Mad Dog sent in the attached story, including photos, and what a story it is!  Not only did he and Airman ride, but Mad Dog rode over to the start from the Creek!  Both he AND Airman have been referred by the Cycling Federation for psychiatric treatment and hope to be released soon. 

But a big thanks to Mad Dog for this great write up!  

Apparently you have a lot of time on your hands waiting to get out of psychiatric treatments!

Belo News Special Report

Mad Dog

April 13, 2013

Galesburg, Mi. - The skies were bleak and the winds were blowing in even more epic proportions than the previous week.

Ardent followers of the blog will remember last week Sharkman rode to the start with Mad Dog, and winds were coming in epic proportions out of the east, resulting in a tail wind. Now this week
Mad Dog, all by himself, was fighting winds of proportions never seen by the Nation. Mad Dog questioned how their intrepid hero knew to ride in with a tail wind last week, have Lava Girl take him
home after the ride, thus avoiding a head wind home, and then be gone for the next ride when he would have faced a head wind.

Mad Dog said he held out hope, as he approached the way leading to Shark Cove, that maybe Rainman would be riding over. He said, “As I crested a small rise at an even smaller pace due to the headwinds of epic proportions, I notice a figure with a fluid cadence and a trademark white strip along one calf and I knew it must be Rainmain.”

Now the careful readers of this blog, not just those who skim the in-depth reporting for their names, will also remember from last week that Sharkman and Mad Dog kind of left Rainman by himself for the
ride over. Well, it seems it was pay back time for Mad Dog, because he said as try as he might, he could not catch Rainman. The question of how could Rainman could be riding as if the headwinds of epic proportions weren't so epic would soon be known.

Scandal had already rocked the peloton the time Mad Dog arrived at the start. 

Mad Dog said the thought of just turning around crossed this mind more than once, but he knew Airman would be waiting. Airman texted him the day before and assured him he would be there; for if he
stayed home he would be on cleaning duty.

The references in the prior blog entries to the possible use of performance enhancing substances within the Nation led to a crackdown by some Commissioner of Cycling. The first casualty was Rainman, who was sent home for having a bike far below the required minimum weight.

Wolf King was the next expulsion from the peloton, due to his refusal to wear a helmet. The Commissioner, citing rule 123.4 (b) ii, sent Wolf King packing. Wolf King was reported to have said, “It's too nice of weather to ride anyway. I only ride when it's really, really cold and Sharkman is buying
koffe.”

All Black, while not technically removed from the peloton by the Commissioner at the start, disappeared shortly after making his appearance in a new top secrete all black getup. Besides being super stylish, All Black's new kit has a super stealth mode, and once activated, he was never seen from again.

Not wanting to loose any more members of the Nation, Airman and Mad Dog led the group out
right at 9:00 am sharp.

As the Minion train rolled by the Klutch, it was reported Hossman was seen hurrying to get ready once again, having parked behind the Klutch. Without their leader to instill discipline and order, some of the Nation hurried across the train tracks to beat a train while poor Hossman was stranded on the other side.

Due to his previous indications of early season form, all thought Hossman would easily catch up, but
the train was just too long and he was never seen again. What was left of the nation was sure they would see Gazelle Girl. But as they approached her typical jumping on point, a gray trailer with ominous wording on the back passed, heading toward her house. It appeared Gazelle Girl's little bag of
tricks and the previous in-depth reporting resulted in a surprise early morning test for her.

The Nation sped on, not wanting her to steal the spotlight and receive any more press than she already does when she doesn't ride.

Without their intrepid hero in the pack, the peloton knew there would be no honorary sprint, and everyone left wanted that prize. Mad Dog launched a ferocious attack, which was easily covered by Airman. As Mad Dog looked over his shoulder to see what damage had been done, Airman jumped him on the other side. As the line rapidly approached, Mad Dog was just able to come to terms with Airman, resulting in a tie!
The next few sprints resulted in the exact same results, with a tie between Airman and Mad Dog. The peloton was quickly becoming dejected with the iron grip the duo had on the sprints, and numerous
Minions talked of abandoning.



Through the Bible Conference Hills the relentless pace of Mad Dog and Airman shredded the peloton's legs. Past the Digital Divide cries of mercy were heard from the peloton as Airman and Mad Dog formed a perfect pace line Their clockwork like precision resulted in unspeakable speed.

As the peloton rapidly approached the hill before the finish, they knew they were racing for third, unable to truly match the power and speed of the Airman and Mad Dog. As in all previous sprints, the photo finish was just too close to call.

Who are all those guys?

Knowing the Tofosi and Paparazzi only wanted to see and hear from Mad Dog and Airman, the rest of
the peloton faded away, leaving only these two strong men of the Nation to ride down the Champs le
Galesburg.

As the duo entered the Klutch, they
were surprised, and maybe just a
little delighted, to find Luann allowed
the Klutch to be the location of a photo
shoot showcasing the newest bikes
and whatnot.

Is this a great country or what!

You won't want to miss this weeks ride when the Sharkman returns!

This Saturday, April 20, 2013

Launch Time - 9:00 A.M. - SHARP!

NAME THAT MINION UPDATE!

Belo News

April 17, 2013

Shark Cove, Mi. - The results are coming in fast and furious for two Minions to have their Minion names changed!  

As the Nation is aware, there was quite a bit of controversy on nick names two weeks ago and as the Nation also knows, Belo News has had contests in the past to see if a name should be changed.  For those of you new to the Nation, Minions are assigned names to riders to protect the innocent, primarily family members who do not want to be associated in anyway with Minion activities.  

Both Kia Pet and Dr. Toe brought up the possibility of a name change.  

So, the Commissioner of Cycling has declared a "Name that Minion" Contest and we are very pleased to report that the checks are coming in fast and furious and Sharkman loves that.  Though all the checks seem to be coming from one source in Portage, Michigan, well.....money is money and as we all know the Sharkman can be bought!  

Oh, the humanity!  Looks like we might have some name changes coming, that is if the checks keep coming!

You can still vote to change the names of these two riders and only these two riders by sending $50 in a self addressed envelope to "Name that Minion!" ℅ Sharkman, Shark Cove, Mi. 

Please, simply let us know if the Commissioner of Cycling should a name change and don't forget the check made out to the Sharkman.  

Sorry, no second party, out of state, post dated checks allowed.  This contest if void where prohibited by law but you can still send the money in.

We will report the results in a future Belo News!

TUESDAY NIGHT RIDE STARTS!

Belo News
April 16, 2013

Battle Creek, Mi. - The return of the Tuesday Night Minions East Ride has begun!  Yes, a "soft opening" of the regular Tuesday Night Chain Gang Ride has been resurrected for the season as Airman, Mad Dog and Sharkman launched from Kellogg World Headquarters for the inaugural ride of the season.  The winds were strong out of the northwest which interestingly, seemed to affect the riders going both ways, but the dynamic trio was able to still turn in a very respectful 19.5 mph average for the evening.  Sharkman was rumored to have taken Wednesday off to recuperate after the intensity of the ride!

If you like to ride hard in a pace line this is the ride for you!

Tuesday Evenings, Kellogg World Headquarters Upper Parking lot - 5:30 p.m. - Launch!

Be there!