FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS WEAR WHITE BIKE SHORTS!IS THE SHARKMAN GAINING WIEGHT?
Belo News
July 16, 2011
Galesburg, Mi. – Our story begins this week on Friday evening, where our intrepid hero, the Sharkman, was attending the Wine Tasting Fund Raiser at the Binder Park Zoo. While testing and judging the Michigan Wines and gazing at the cheetahs, red panda’s and the wolves, he came across Rainman, Tardette, Wrong Way and Theresa (name to be determined) who were also taking part in the evenings libations. These young Minions assured him that after an evening of frivolity, animal watching and partaking, they would all (well except for Theresa to be named later) be out for the ride in the morning, or in Tardette’s case, would at least make Koffee at the Klutch post ride. Or would they…….
As Saturday dawned over the Cove, the Sharkman did not exactly leap out of his Shark Bed as he shook the wine induced cobwebs from his shark addled head. However, after some strong Shark Koffee he found himself more than ready to ride.
That is when it all went suddenly wrong.......
Having had some issues with his seat post dropping and re-adjusting the height, and in an attempt to make a final “tweak” before heading out, our hero snapped the seat bolt on his trusty titanium stead!
Oh, the humanity! Could all that Whitsun our hero has been drinking be causing a weight problem?
Since Sharkman is a world class procrastinator, it was approximately 5 minutes before launch when this occurred!
Oh, the humanity! What would our hero do?
Quick thinking as our hero is, he thought "it would have to be his trusty cyclocross bike, the Felt 1x!"
Heading out in the heat, he met up with the Great Dane who was patiently waiting about a half mile down the road from the Cove. The young rider was too polite to point out the different bike, but the Sharkman bent his ear about the seat bolt anyway.
As the duo got to the start, the Minions once again, started to pour into the parking lot. The Skipper and Bissell Boy rolled in with what seemed like a cast of thousands, including a rider who looked strikingly like Thor Hushovd, the Norwegian World Champion and recent Yellow Jersey holder and now three stage victor at this years TdF!
No, it wasn’t Thor himself but none other than the Zickman! Looking quite dapper in the white kit of the World Champion the only problem seemed to be how sheer the white shorts appeared. Skipper made the comment that “the Minions were one rain storm away from a view of a nasty view of Zickman’s @$$ if you know what I mean!” Yep, it was sort of like a train wreck, …..you just couldn’t look away!
At EXACTLY 8:00 A.M. the Skipper got things started and he and the Sharkman led the mass of the Mighty Minion Nation past a waving Jamie and the Klutch and out on to the road.
Wolf King, for whatever reason, had shot out early and was up the road already as Gazelle Girl jumped on with shouts of “Party-Party-Party!” from the peloton. Wolf King, being so far up the road, took the first sprint to the booing of the Mighty Minion Nation.
Sharkman tried to take a count at the G Ave. crossing, but lost it at 30 riders. In addition to Skipper leading the B Group, M.C. Hammer, Chumbly and Danimal made up a C group!
As the ride went on and the Minions began to go into oxygen deprivation, Zickman’s derrière became more and more interesting. Everyone was clamoring to get a spot behind Zickman just to see what all the excitement was about. But alas, there was no rain, though several riders thought about shooting their water bottles at the World Champion Wannabe's rear end.
Oh, the humanity!
The ride was extremely mellow, if not fast, through the Country Club section and on to the Col de Norte. The B group stayed with the main peloton throughout the ride, but at the top of the Col de Norte someone stated a rider was off the back. Sharkman went back but did not see anyone, but apparently it was a rider who had come with the Irishman and he was going back to get him and would finish the ride with him as they were dropping off.
As the Nation moved south, one of the new, young riders asked about the rule about crossing the G Spot. Sharkman stated that the rule was that no rider could make a break until after ALL riders had crossed the G Spot. This rule had been established when riders started to break early, causing riders to take chances on crossing roads and breaking the peloton apart, taking away the personality of the ride and the ability for all the riders to be at the finish.
At the he Digital Divide, the Minions had to wait to cross and the traffic was so bad that they had to cross in two waves!
The pace picked up big time as the Nation bore down on the G Spot crossing.
As the Minions lined up for the finish, Great Dane and Hossman took the lead and like a couple of Clydesdales chomping at the bit, led the stampede towards the stop ahead finish.
Sharkman, always worried about bunch finishes, was at the front trying to spur everyone on, but just doesn't have that staying power that the Tow Truck brings to the party!
At the top of the final hill to the finish, the peloton filled the road and were pretty bunched up as the stop ahead came into view. Riders began to peal off the front as the fresher riders came forward. Zickman went by Sharkman, then Sharkman went by Zickman, then Zickman came back! Zickman stated at the press conference that when Sharkman went by him, it looked like he was riding a newspaper delivery bike and he just couldn’t get beat by a bike like that!
Since Sharkman is a world class procrastinator, it was approximately 5 minutes before launch when this occurred!
Oh, the humanity! What would our hero do?
Quick thinking as our hero is, he thought "it would have to be his trusty cyclocross bike, the Felt 1x!"
Heading out in the heat, he met up with the Great Dane who was patiently waiting about a half mile down the road from the Cove. The young rider was too polite to point out the different bike, but the Sharkman bent his ear about the seat bolt anyway.
As the duo got to the start, the Minions once again, started to pour into the parking lot. The Skipper and Bissell Boy rolled in with what seemed like a cast of thousands, including a rider who looked strikingly like Thor Hushovd, the Norwegian World Champion and recent Yellow Jersey holder and now three stage victor at this years TdF!
No, it wasn’t Thor himself but none other than the Zickman! Looking quite dapper in the white kit of the World Champion the only problem seemed to be how sheer the white shorts appeared. Skipper made the comment that “the Minions were one rain storm away from a view of a nasty view of Zickman’s @$$ if you know what I mean!” Yep, it was sort of like a train wreck, …..you just couldn’t look away!
At EXACTLY 8:00 A.M. the Skipper got things started and he and the Sharkman led the mass of the Mighty Minion Nation past a waving Jamie and the Klutch and out on to the road.
Wolf King, for whatever reason, had shot out early and was up the road already as Gazelle Girl jumped on with shouts of “Party-Party-Party!” from the peloton. Wolf King, being so far up the road, took the first sprint to the booing of the Mighty Minion Nation.
Sharkman tried to take a count at the G Ave. crossing, but lost it at 30 riders. In addition to Skipper leading the B Group, M.C. Hammer, Chumbly and Danimal made up a C group!
As the ride went on and the Minions began to go into oxygen deprivation, Zickman’s derrière became more and more interesting. Everyone was clamoring to get a spot behind Zickman just to see what all the excitement was about. But alas, there was no rain, though several riders thought about shooting their water bottles at the World Champion Wannabe's rear end.
Oh, the humanity!
The ride was extremely mellow, if not fast, through the Country Club section and on to the Col de Norte. The B group stayed with the main peloton throughout the ride, but at the top of the Col de Norte someone stated a rider was off the back. Sharkman went back but did not see anyone, but apparently it was a rider who had come with the Irishman and he was going back to get him and would finish the ride with him as they were dropping off.
As the Nation moved south, one of the new, young riders asked about the rule about crossing the G Spot. Sharkman stated that the rule was that no rider could make a break until after ALL riders had crossed the G Spot. This rule had been established when riders started to break early, causing riders to take chances on crossing roads and breaking the peloton apart, taking away the personality of the ride and the ability for all the riders to be at the finish.
At the he Digital Divide, the Minions had to wait to cross and the traffic was so bad that they had to cross in two waves!
The pace picked up big time as the Nation bore down on the G Spot crossing.
As the Minions lined up for the finish, Great Dane and Hossman took the lead and like a couple of Clydesdales chomping at the bit, led the stampede towards the stop ahead finish.
Sharkman, always worried about bunch finishes, was at the front trying to spur everyone on, but just doesn't have that staying power that the Tow Truck brings to the party!
At the top of the final hill to the finish, the peloton filled the road and were pretty bunched up as the stop ahead came into view. Riders began to peal off the front as the fresher riders came forward. Zickman went by Sharkman, then Sharkman went by Zickman, then Zickman came back! Zickman stated at the press conference that when Sharkman went by him, it looked like he was riding a newspaper delivery bike and he just couldn’t get beat by a bike like that!
Hey! It’s a cyclocross bike!
Meanwhile, Boatman, who had been lying in wait, came to the front with Wolf King, Zickman, Dutch, Great Dane, All Black, Gazelle Girl, Hutch and others on his wheel. Sharkman watched in fear as this mob descended on the finish before him. Riders were boxed in and some were beginning to try to break out….always a dangerous situation. Some riders did not hold their lines, and wheels were touched, but fortunately, no one went down as Boatman took the tape with Dutch and Zickman finishing out the podium!
Since Sharkman did not have his regular bike with computer, Wolf King forwarded the attached download from his iPhone app. Unfortunately, Wolf King does everything in kilometers, not realizing this is America where we don't do that because we are a great country or what!
Meanwhile, Boatman, who had been lying in wait, came to the front with Wolf King, Zickman, Dutch, Great Dane, All Black, Gazelle Girl, Hutch and others on his wheel. Sharkman watched in fear as this mob descended on the finish before him. Riders were boxed in and some were beginning to try to break out….always a dangerous situation. Some riders did not hold their lines, and wheels were touched, but fortunately, no one went down as Boatman took the tape with Dutch and Zickman finishing out the podium!
Since Sharkman did not have his regular bike with computer, Wolf King forwarded the attached download from his iPhone app. Unfortunately, Wolf King does everything in kilometers, not realizing this is America where we don't do that because we are a great country or what!
We here at Belo News did some conversions and found that the average speed for the ride was about 19.3 mph. Concerning the Maximum Speed, we are wondering if Wolf King had the app on while he was driving to the start (or is the Mighty Minion Nation really that fast?).
Trip time: 01:24:47
Trip distance: 43.8 km
Trip calories: 1826 kcal (what the hell is a Kcal?)
Average speed: 31.1 km/h
Maximum speed: 81.7 km/h (yea, right....)
Climbed altitude: 36 m
SAFETY REMINDER
Just a reminder to the Mighty Minion Nation, that in a bunch finish, EVERYONE has to hold their line. We don’t want anyone to get hurt out there and if you are boxed in, you CANNOT make a sudden move with only a few meters to go. PLEASE, HOLD YOUR LINES! Particularly at the finish where speeds are high and any small, sudden move can take down a number of riders.
The fans went wild on the Champs le Galesburg as the Mighty Minion Nation descended on the Klutch. Jamie was waiting, as were the paparazzi and tofosi!
Once again, a large number of Minions attended the press conference where much of the discussion centered on how good Zickman looked in his white kit. Zickman did share that he had to speak with Nikeboy to see how he got away with “less sheer” in his white shorts…..who can forget the big guy in his Mellow Johnny kit?
Trip time: 01:24:47
Trip distance: 43.8 km
Trip calories: 1826 kcal (what the hell is a Kcal?)
Average speed: 31.1 km/h
Maximum speed: 81.7 km/h (yea, right....)
Climbed altitude: 36 m
SAFETY REMINDER
Just a reminder to the Mighty Minion Nation, that in a bunch finish, EVERYONE has to hold their line. We don’t want anyone to get hurt out there and if you are boxed in, you CANNOT make a sudden move with only a few meters to go. PLEASE, HOLD YOUR LINES! Particularly at the finish where speeds are high and any small, sudden move can take down a number of riders.
The fans went wild on the Champs le Galesburg as the Mighty Minion Nation descended on the Klutch. Jamie was waiting, as were the paparazzi and tofosi!
Once again, a large number of Minions attended the press conference where much of the discussion centered on how good Zickman looked in his white kit. Zickman did share that he had to speak with Nikeboy to see how he got away with “less sheer” in his white shorts…..who can forget the big guy in his Mellow Johnny kit?
Nikeboy in his Mellow Johnny Kit!
Zickman, Skipper, Gazelle Girl and Boatman discuss the finishing sprint at the Klutch.
The guest appearance by Tardette, or even Rainman did not materialize. We can only assume how long that party went on!
Sharkman got a lecture from Wolf King about how a rider should never, NEVER be without an extra seat bolt and told him he had one in his car he would give to him. However, after riding back to the Wolf King’s car, the same rider that was doing the lecturing about never, NEVER going without an extra seat bolt, didn’t have an extra seat bolt in his tool kit. So much for NEVER.
Can there by anymore excitement in biking? This is where the elite meet to ride!
Don’t miss this week’s ride!
Saturday – July 23, 2011
Launch time – 8:00 A.M. – SHARP!
TUESDAY NIGHT RIDE REPORT
LONELY ARE THE BRAVE!
Belo News
July 19, 2011
Battle Creek, MI. – With the heat index at 100 + it was going to be a hot ride Tuesday evening. As Sharkman did a late afternoon check the excuses started to come rolling in. “My bike is in the shop” or “I am in Chicago” or “I have a dentist appointment” and our personal favorite, “I’ve been kidnapped in Bogota by a Colombian drug cartel!” (Sharkman should probably have done something about that one but he figured he would take care of it after the ride.)
So, only two Minions launched from the start: our intrepid hero, the Sharkman and his loyal side kick, Stingray. However, they were greeted out on River Road by Boatman and the Skipper. The heat was searing as the four riders did the tour with Skipper dropping off in Augusta and Boatman proceeding as far as Rt. 89 in Battle Creek before heading back.
Final speed, a very respectable 20.2 mph!
If you looking for some great pace line work, this is the ride for you! Tuesday Nights at 6:00 p.m. from Kellogg HQ upper parking lot.
Be there!
NIKEBOY CHECKS IN FROM ESTONIA!
Belo News
July 14, 2011
Estonia – B Group Leader and rider extraordinaire, Nikeboy, reported in from Estonia where he was enjoying a kup of koffee after leading a Minion B Group in the eastern European country. It is hoped that Nikeboy will be back soon to take up his spot in the peloton but he did want to let everyone know he is having a great time touring northern Europe!
ANYONE REMEMBER BOFFO? OR HIS CELEBRITY RIDER BROTHER?
Some of you long time Minions will remember Boffo the Clown. A classic rider who entertained the entire peloton with his antics. We haven’t seen Boffo in some time and rumors had floated that he was back in Eastern Europe wrestling bears with a Russian Circus.
However, Belo News just got the attached note from Boffo talking about his brother Duane, who years ago rode with the Minion Nation. At the time he was a minor league pitcher for a Detroit Tiger (Western Michigan White Caps in Grand Rapids) farm team and a celebrity Minion Rider.
Well, not anymore! He will be pitching in the big leagues with the Tigers as this edition of the Belo News goes to press!
Some of you long time Minions will remember Boffo the Clown. A classic rider who entertained the entire peloton with his antics. We haven’t seen Boffo in some time and rumors had floated that he was back in Eastern Europe wrestling bears with a Russian Circus.
However, Belo News just got the attached note from Boffo talking about his brother Duane, who years ago rode with the Minion Nation. At the time he was a minor league pitcher for a Detroit Tiger (Western Michigan White Caps in Grand Rapids) farm team and a celebrity Minion Rider.
Well, not anymore! He will be pitching in the big leagues with the Tigers as this edition of the Belo News goes to press!
Here is the scoop!
Dear Sharkman,
While my wife questions my minion status as it's been a little while, I assure her that I'm a minion forever! Just wanted to give you a head's up in regards to a former "celebrity" rider:
http://detroit.tigers.mlb.com/mlb/gameday/index.jsp?gid=2011_07_20_oakmlb_detmlb_1&mode=preview&vkey=preview_web_home&c_id=det
Cheer for him tonight! Let's hope his first outing in the Big Leagues of Baseball is better than his first outing with the "Big Leagues" of cycling, the Minion Nation, where he promptly threw-up half-way into the ride! Although that may be me if I ever get up early enough to join you guys again! :)
Boffo
Editors Note - Great to hear from you Boffo and the Mighty Minion Nation awaits your return! At press time, Duane went 6 solid innings for the Tigers!
Dear Sharkman,
While my wife questions my minion status as it's been a little while, I assure her that I'm a minion forever! Just wanted to give you a head's up in regards to a former "celebrity" rider:
http://detroit.tigers.mlb.com/mlb/gameday/index.jsp?gid=2011_07_20_oakmlb_detmlb_1&mode=preview&vkey=preview_web_home&c_id=det
Cheer for him tonight! Let's hope his first outing in the Big Leagues of Baseball is better than his first outing with the "Big Leagues" of cycling, the Minion Nation, where he promptly threw-up half-way into the ride! Although that may be me if I ever get up early enough to join you guys again! :)
Boffo
Editors Note - Great to hear from you Boffo and the Mighty Minion Nation awaits your return! At press time, Duane went 6 solid innings for the Tigers!
No comments:
Post a Comment