CELEBRITY RIDER…OR NOT?

BARRY-ROUBAIX RIDERS!

ZICKMAN SIGHTING?


Belo News
Galesburg, Mi.
March 27, 2010

Galesburg, Mi. - As dawn broke sunny over the Shark Cove, our intrepid hero, the Sharkman checked his email to find a note from Falcon…."are you riding?"

Sharkman had decided to blow off Barry-Roubaix to ride with the Minions! After wishing Falcon, Danimal, Iceman and Cleary good luck, Sharkman headed out to the start for the ride.

Much to his surprise, he noticed a Honda Element that looked much like the Element owned by the famous Cycocross (Tom Cross)! Actually, Cycocross is a long time Minion and perpetual teenager who only makes one or two rides a year because he plays lead guitar in the rock band, "Joe Wang and the Test Pilots!" Since the Minions don't see much of Cycocross unless they hang out in wild bars, it was decided that Cycocross would be named this weeks "Celebrity Rider!"

Rounding out the Minion Nation was the ever loyal and present All Black. Dutch slid in just in time for the mass start!

As the Minions made their way north out of town, Gazelle Girl joined on to make a total of 5 Minions on a bright, but cool day. Turn out was low due to Spring Break and Barry Roubaix.

Dutch made the Sharkman work for the honorary first sprint, but the riding there after was social and low key. Gazelle Girl shared that a major marijuana bust had taken place at a house at the summit of the Cul de Norte and the peloton all stopped to gaze at the residence.

After crossing the Digital Divide, Cycocross lead a humongous paceline to the G. Ave crossing. The peloton stayed together for a group finish as the early spring crowd gathered along the Champs le Galesburg to cheer their hero's on.

Gazelle Girl and Cycocross passed on the Klutch, so noticing the crowd was down, Sharkman bought for EVERYONE! Jamie was back to great the hero's and Dutch, All Black and Sharkman drank their koffee, signed a few autograph's and headed out after a great ride.

You won't want to miss this week's ride!

The weather is forecast to be fantastic, with temps between 55-65 degrees!


BARRY-ROUBAIX

Yankee Springs, Mi. - Over 700 riders turned out for the Barry-Roubaix Cyclocross Race in Yankee Springs. We are sure many Minions took part, but we only heard from one. Iceman recounted the days event to Belo News in this exclusive Belo News interview!

BN - How was the race, Iceman?

Iceman -You guys missed a GREAT race! Parking/registration was a piece of cake. Plenty of space!

BN - Should the Sharkman have taken part?

Iceman - Shark, definitely should have went up.

BN- Tell us about the ride.

Iceman - Almost 700 riders! Mass start, slow police escort for 3 miles on the pavement. That got it spaced out and it was just a cruise. Then it was "let 'er rip!" Then it was to that crappy 2 track section which was chaos, but tempers remained quite calm. Plenty of walkers in that spot (obviously not Minions). The race was a blast! Drafting, crashes, way too many hills. Tough course as you guys know. I passed Falcon with maybe 6 - 7 miles to go. He told me I was cheating on my cross bike. Ahh my sweet new cross bike. Greeeaaaaat feeling!

The last 4 or so miles were back on the pavement. If you had gas left in the tank, it was time to let it all hang out. I jumped behind a tandem and the train was behind me. On that huge double hill coming home the group fell apart, the tandem fell off and I pulled some folks in.

In terms of participation, this is the next ICEMAN. All the Minions need to be on board next year!

Finished 11 th out of 70 some in my age group 40 - 49 Sport. 2:06. Cleary was 2:23 or so (on Mtn Bike)

BN- Cleary? Cleary who?

Iceman - You know, that guy without a Minion Name yet who wears those compression socks.

BN - Oh, that Cleary….. guess we'll have to work on that name, uh? So, you enjoyed it?

Iceman - What a blast, what a sport!!

BN - Well, I guess that says it all. The Sharkman should have been there!


ZICKMAN SIGHTING?

Park City, UT. - One of the big questions so far this early season has been, "where in the hell has Zickman been?"

Yes, inquiring minds want to know where that riding machine has been!

In another, in-depth Belo News investigative report, we hear from ace reporter, Dr. Dave who revealed the following:

Hey Sharkman,

Sorry to miss the ride yesterday.

I am here in Park City, Utah doing some family time training.

The kids were in ski school today so my wife and I had the freedom to cover 21000 vertical and 23 miles of trail.

My quads have never burned so bad (good)! The slow twitch fibers were maxed out a few times today. My telemark stance became the proverbial "sewing machine legs" by the end of the day.

I spotted another minion here at Park City Mountain yesterday.

Zickman is here doing some enhancement of his oxygen carrying capacity. He calls it 6 days on a snowboard with his college kids.

I think we know he is altitude training here at 10,000 so he can put it to the other minions back at 765 ft above sea level. One of my sources says they may have spotted him at the Olympic training facility down the road.

Something about boosting his wattage on a few key sprints coming up this season.

See you soon,

Dr Dave

Thanks for reporting in Dr. Dave! Sounds like the Minions have more than Zickman to worry about.

Zickman, we're waiting for your triumphant return to the Mighty Minion Nation. Yours too, Dr. Dave!

NEW START TIME SATURDAY!

With the temps in the 60's, we will again move the start time up to 9:00 A.M. this Saturday. The weather is suppose to be fantastic so you won't want to miss this ride!

Launch Time - 9:00 A.M. Sharp!

Be There!

GAZELLE GIRL SWEEPS ALL THE SPRINTS!

Real Minion(s) Ride!

Digital Divide?


Belo News
Galesburg, Mi.
March 13, 2010

Galesburg, Mi. - A little cold weather doesn't stop the Minions….or does it? In a Belo News exclusive, it was learned that only one Mighty Minion braved the elements last Saturday to ride to victory! Who was this Mighty Minion you ask? None other than our own intrepid hero, Gazelle Girl. Not only did she sweep all the sprints and take the finish going away, she encountered adventure along the way!

Please read on as our intrepid hero, Gazelle Girl's story unfolds in her own words;

THE DIGITAL DIVIDE

Galesburg, Mi. - With everyone who is anyone a no show for this past Saturday’s KKTDG, I struck out on my own after searching the Galesburg Middle School parking lot for even one red nosed, Lycra-clad bike buddy. Not a soul. And what’s wrong with today? Sure, there’s a nip in the air and something occasionally dropping out of the sky to make dark dots here and there on my jacket, but really, it’s not too bad out.

So off I went. The TDG is my favorite solo ride route anyway, so it was a pretty ordinary ride, albeit a bit earlier in the day than usual. It took a while for the fingers to warm, but eventually I was quite comfortable.

Just after passing the Rt. 89 crossing and beginning to fantasize about the formation of the perfect (?) KKTDG paceline running down 37th St, I happened to notice a small rectangular item lying on the right side of the road. I flipped around and plucked up the contraption.

My find, a cell phone, was relatively unscathed for being in such a precarious place. I pushed a green button and the screen lit up telling me there were three messages awaiting the ears of someone I was now determined to hunt down and make very happy. I shoved the little orphan into my pocket and enjoyed a beautiful tailwind back to my house.

Once inside and sipping on a poor stand in for LuAnn’s brew, I set to finding the phone’s owner and discovering how it came to be on our ride route.

At this point, I must admit that I don’t own a cell phone. Never have. When people discover this tidbit about me there are typically two reactions. “What? How do you do it?” And “Good for you!” Both reactions make me wonder what good or bad thing I am missing. All I know is that I’ve held out for so long that I’m now operating on two motivators. One is to prove a point. “See, a human being CAN live life without being ‘connected’ 24/7!” The other is that I don’t want to take all the crap I’ll get from my friends who will interpret my joining the cell phone fray as “caving in.” I’ll no longer be able to complain about the rudeness of people stopping mid sentence in a conversation with me to take a call from their 14-year-old who can’t locate the milk. No more sneering at the owner of the blaring voice in the ethnic food isle begging for vital information: “But what kind of black beans?” (Beans... that are black. What part don’t you get?)

So, as you now understand, I’m no pro at using the keyboard (is it even called a keyboard?) on these things. I pushed a few buttons whose icons I felt might bring me to where I wanted to be. Ah ha! The address book. Aaron. Abraham. Adam. Aiden. Alan. Amy. Anton. April. Ariel. Aster. The list went on and on. There were well over 100 names and numbers. Some are funny. Flatbill. Hacksaw. Mexican Hoe. (Yes, “hoe,” like the gardening implement.) Regurgitater. Spot Face. T-paper. There are several Coach So-and-So’s. A few Mr. Blank’s and Mrs. Blank’s. And, of course, a Momma.

I poked around a bit more to see if I could find any definitive info. Huh? Then decided to call Momma in hopes that I could trust her to get a message to the phone owner, as I just didn’t trust Ms. Hoe or Mr. Flatbill with this important task.

Well, dammit. Now I can’t get back to the address book. I start pushing this button and that. ZACH shows up on the screen. (By the way, based on the names I’ve scrolled through, I’ve surmised this phone is owned by someone born within the last 20 years.)

I push the button I think will dial this Zach chap. I hear ringing. I hear someone (Zach?!) say, “Hullo?”

“Hello! Is this Zach?” And in true Millennial politeness Zach (?!) demands, “Who’s this?” I say, “My name is Gazelle Girl.” (Not really. I really didn’t say Gazelle Girl. How weird would that be?) “My name is Joan. I found this phone that I’m calling you from and I’m trying to find the owner.” Zach pauses for a few seconds. Wheels turning. Wheels turning. “Oh, yeah. Um... Uh... Yeah. He’s right here.”

NO BLEEPIN’ WAY!!

“Hullo?” It’s the guy. The guy that lost the phone. Of all the.... daaaaaang.

His name is Bill. That’s my daddy’s name. Sharkman, too! I tell Bill where I live. Give him the easy instructions about the stop sign and its proximity to the driveway. Give him the address. Tell him it’s printed in white numbers on a green sign right on the mailbox at the entrance to the driveway.

Twenty minutes later my phone (the one that plugs into the wall... remember those?) rings. “Hi. It’s Bill. Do you have a gray trailer next to your garage?” “Yep.” “Okay. We’re here.”

White numbers... on a green sign. What part don’t you get? (Thank goodness for the mighty cell phone!)

Oh.... and how Bill’s phone came to be at the Rt 89 crossing? He absentmindedly laid it atop his father’s car after playing basketball at the G-A Intermediate School (R.I.P.) in Augusta. Wow. What a ride!

NICE GOING GAZELLE GIRL!

New Name for the Rt. 89 Crossing!

When Gazelle Girl submitted her moving story to Belo News, she asked if there was a name for the Route 89 crossing and as many a Minion knows, most of the hot spots on the course have names that evoke images of pain, speed, suffering or all of the above. Names like the Cul de Twin Lakes, Cul de No Name, Kellogg Korner, Cul de Norte, Bible Conference Hills, the Inlet, G Ave. Crossing, etc. However, a name other than the boring Rt. 89 crossing, did not exist. But now that has been remedied because of Gazelle Girls dedication to doing right and will go down in cycling history with all the great course sites.

Let it be known that here to fore, that the Rt. 89 crossing will be known as the "Digital Divide!"

Saturday's Ride - Time Change! - 9:30 A.M.

The weather is looking good for this Saturday! So the Cycling Commissioner has moved the start time to 9:30 A.M. - Sharp! Be there!

What will we find this week? Hell if we know, and you won't either, unless you show up to ride!

Be There!

PRIRATE BUYS ALL THE JOE!

TWELVE RIDERS FOR OPENING DAY!

WHAT? IT DIDN'T RAIN?



Belo News
Galesburg, Mi.
March 13, 2010

Galesburg, Mi. – As our intrepid hero, the Sharkman, lifted his weary head off his shark pillow case and threw back the shark bed spread revealing his shark pajama’s, his first thought was of rain. Would the Minion luck hold for another successful Opening Day or would the Minions be rained out? The weather report the previous evening had been less than optimistic.

As he ran to the window and drew back the shark draperies he noticed that the roads were wet, but it was not raining! As the Shark sipped coffee over the light green hue of the Shark Radar screen, a grin came across his face as it showed rain coming from the east, but it wasn’t raining yet. The Shark checked his Sharkberry and saw a text message from the weeks Celebrity Rider asking about the weather. The Sharkman’s simple response?

Game on!

As the Sharkman walked out the door of the Cove, Lava Girl said, “You’re going to get wet!”

Twelve Minions showed up for the kick off! Actually, thirteen if you count the Skipper who came out to start the Mighty Minion Nation off on yet another season, but could not stay to ride. The Celebrity Rider was none other than our own Qman who was visiting from the Great North riding on a borrowed steed from Team Active and looking quite dapper on the fancy Madone. Bissell Boy, Iceman, All Black, Kid Doster, Dutch, Danimal, Chumly, and three new riders, Yeti Boy (long time Belo News reader, first time rider), Cleary (Name TBD) and Cathy (Name TBD). Hossman also was in the parking lot having major tire problems and it was determined that Skipper would sag him up after he got the tire fixed.

After some words of welcome, and a photo op, the Sharkman’s Sharkberry rang and it was Wolf King asking if the peloton could wait a half hour for him. “Very funny…” the Sharkman responded, and then Skipper ordered everyone to click in and the start of the 2010 season began! As the Mighty Minion Nation looked back at the Hossman feverishly attempting to get the tire changed, the chatter began about what everyone did all winter.

As the train pulled by the Koffee Klutch, the Lovely Luann poked her head out the door and gave a cheer as the Minion’s motored by their favorite Koffee Shop shouting they’d be back for koffee later!

Though the roads were damp, the rain did hold off and the Mighty Minion Nation motored around the field of dreams they have come to know as the KK- Tour de Gull.

As the nation approached the Inlet, they spotted a rider coming towards them with no tights on! They immediately recognized those dimpled knees as belong to non-other than the Hossman! Yes, Hossman, who had suffered not one, but two flat tires in the parking lot had driven home, changed the tire and then ridden up to the Inlet to latch on with the Minions! What a stud! Three flats and still coming out strong to ride the finish! Will nothing stop these Minions from their appointed rounds!

Flat tires, however, seemed to continue as All Black had his right after the route 89 crossing.

After a fairly quick wheel removal, a strip of the tire and a whiff of CO2, the Minions were back on the road and formed up a double pace line to G Ave. Interestingly, the Minions all played nice and no one broke ahead for the G Ave. sprint.

As the Minions headed south to the finish, the pace picked up considerably and though there was no intention of a final sprint, the peloton could tell that a sprint was going to happen.

As the peloton moved over the top of the finishing hill, the Iceman made his move as murmurs of “the Iceman cometh” rippled through the Minion Nation. Speeding up on his new cyclocross bike, he lifted the pace of the entire train as they bore down on the final stop ahead sign.

Average Speed for Opening Day was a very respectable 17 mph, especially considering most everyone over dressed for the festivities and there was a lot of chatter in the peloton.

The fans went wild on the Champs le Galesburg and as the group approached the Klutch, none other than Nikeboy was seen snapping photo’s of the Might Minion Nation!

Once inside the Klutch, it was learned that the Pirate, recovering from hand surgery, had bought everyone’s Koffee! Is this a great country or what? Or is it that Skipper, the Pirate and Nikeboy will do anything to get their names in the annuals of Belo News? Hell if we know, but we love free Koffee!

The Klutch was abuzz with paparazzi, tefosi and locals all clamoring to hear about the ride, get an autograph or have their picture taken with some of the riders.

Luann kept the great koffee coming, as the riders lingered to discuss the race.

You won’t want to miss this weeks edition, though the Sharkman will not be in attendance as he is in Florida goofing off.

Due to the time change, we will need to move the start back to 10:00 A.M. for light and warmth.

Launch Time – 10:00 A.M. – SHARP!

Be there!


NAME THAT CELEBRITY WINNER!

March 13, 2010
Galesburg, Mi. – We are pleased to report we have a winner in the “Name that Celebrity” contest. Bissell Boy was the first to name our Celebrity Rider, non-other than Qman!
Not only was he first, but he was the only contestant to be able to identify the mountain climbing rider from Minnesota.

Unfortunately, we still have not seen the crisp $50 bill and we will have to withhold payment of the Koffee until it arrives. Bissell Boy stated the check was in the mail, but we have our doubts…..


MISSING IN ACTION

March 13, 2010
Galesburg, Mi. – As previously reported, the Pirate is out for a while after major hand surgery. Though we have still not heard a reason for the surgery, we are sure he will provide us with one when next he buys Koffee at the Klutch.

Nikeboy had back surgery in December, followed by coming down with mono. After getting some health back, and beginning his physical therapy for his back, other back problems have cropped up that might keep him out for a while.

Falcon checked in from Houston, where he had flown for the weekend. He reported that he had done a 75 miler there but suffered three flat tires along the way.

Wildman sent an email from Brazil! He get’s the award for being the furthest from Galesburg. He is already back and hoping to show off his new ride soon!

Wolf King called in from his son’s soccer game. He reported he has not been on the bike all winter, but that is old news…..

Unfortunately, Belo News could not determine where Boffo was. Rumors had been that he would be showing up after riding on the winter circus circuit in Florida. However, these rumors could not be confirmed and a spokesman for the irascible clown simply stated, “stay tuned…” “stay tuned?” For what?

OPENING DAY IS HERE!

CELEBRITY RIDERS SCHEDULED!

WHO COULD IT BE?

NEW START TIME!

What did YOU do this winter?

Belo News
Galesburg, Mi.
March 11, 2010

Galesburg, Mi. – Minions have been waiting with baited breath (and we do mean baited) for Opening Day and it is finally upon us!

The entire cycling world is abuzz about who will be in attendance for one of the biggest days on the cycling calendar. Though the weather report is very sketchy for Opening Day, that has never stopped the Minions from the thought of riding.

It is interesting that even a hint of lousy weather in late fall causes many Minions to hit the shark snooze bar, roll over and go back to sleep. Now, days that include driving snow, temps in the 20’s and strong head winds look like Nirvana after a winter of waiting to get back on the road! Many Minions have reported already getting some riding in the past few weeks in preparation for Opening Day.

Yes, the Minions are ready to saddle up, click in and head out and this Saturday is THE day to be there for the festivities. Anyone who is anyone in the world of cycling (well…at least the cycling world of greater Galesburg area) is expected to be there. Don't you just love the sound of pedals clicking in?!?

Because the weather forecast is for warm (albeit wet) weather, the start time has been moved up to 9:00 am. Additionally, one of our Celebrity Riders has a flight to catch. Yes, someone is actually flying in to take part in this great opener! We know, hard to believe, but its true!

Our intrepid hero, the Sharkman, will be waiting at the Start, rain or shine and will make the call on the ride from the Start Line. If it is raining, the Minions will retreat to the Klutch for Koffee and Minions can share their Winter Hibernation experiences over a hot kup of joe brewed by everyone's favorite Barista, the lovely Luann!

We are pleased to report that we have at least one, and possibly two, Celebrity Riders this Saturday. The first one happens to be a world famous Mountain Climber! Well, maybe not world famous, but some people do know that he likes mountain climbing. O.K. maybe a small group of people are aware, but suffice it to say he climbs mountains. This is a former regular who is returning to help us kick off the season in style! Can you guess from the photo who it is?

NAME THAT CELEBRITY RIDER CONTEST!

Yes, it’s time for “Name that Celebrity Rider” and win a kup of koffee at the klutch. All you have to do is put a crisp $50 bill in a self addressed envelope along with the name of the celebrity rider in the photo and mail it to the Sharkman at the Shark Cove, Battle Creek, Mi. and if you’re correct in naming the rider, you win a Kup of Koffee at the Klutch! Is this a great country or what? Time is running out so act now to win your kup of joe at the Klutch! Remember, we only need one Minion to submit $50 for us to all win!

The second Celebrity Rider is a definite maybe and is actually a part of the cycling industry! Yes, you heard that right, …..part of the cycling industry! Will he show? Hell if we know, but you won’t know either unless you come out to Opening Day! Can we help it if Lance doesn't open mail from us anymore? And there is that Personal Protection Order thing, but we digress......

For those of you who are out of shape after the winter’s hibernation, or worried about keeping up with the Mighty Minion Nation, this is a great opportunity to get your cycling legs back or test your skills. Sprints and the finish will not be recorded as it is considered “Spring Training” until at least May (or whenever Sharkman feels like making it the season). So if you’ve been wanting to test those legs, this is the time to come out and ride! These first few weeks of riding will be a bit more laid back and relaxed, well….as relaxed as a Minion Ride can be. So come on out and try the best weekly ride in the State of Michigan….or at least Galesburg.

Join the Minions on the field of dreams we know as, the Koffee Klutch Tour de Gull!

You won’t want to miss this years Opening Day Gala Festivities!

OPENING DAY!

This Saturday, March 13, 2010!

Time Change – Time Change – Time Change – Time Change!

Launch Time – 9:00 A.M. – Sharp! (Will the Skipper be there to start the Mighty Minion Season? Hell if we know!)

Be there!

Oh, the humanity!

Did we mention the start time?

9:00 A.M. – SHARP!

BE THERE!